Who I am
I'm a long-time micro-stakes player that never moved up and have amassed 4M hands fighting for peanuts and suffering a ton in the process.
(graph not updated for the last year and current year)
6 years ago I got ill, an undiagnosed disease that I'm still fighting today, unfortunately, as I was looking for a cure, I haven't noticed the time was passing by, and probably, I've realized it only one year ago when I decided to take action.
Fast forward to now, I haven't progressed much in poker and most importantly in life.
2021 was another disaster, for some strange reason I thought it to be my year while in reality, it was a copy of the years before with the same result: being stuck at the same point. Flipping burgers at Mcdonald's would yield more money with less stress, to be fair, even cleaning toilets part-time would let me accrue more.
This new year hasn't started better, I continue to behave as I always used to and I should expect the same results.
I take 101% responsibility for this, I cannot blame anyone but myself, at the same time, I don't want to judge myself too harshly since I'm fighting an uphill battle. Every day I am in pain, sometimes it is so strong that I cannot even focus properly. I still wake up every morning with the willingness to move forward, to get unstuck, and to live a fulfilling life (pain-free).
After more than one year I can see why my previous journal was a total failure for me. At that time it wasn't clear, I thought I wanted to document my climb through the ranks, but it wasn't the case. I was waiting for people to save me, to do the work for me, to understand my pain and to sympathize with me. This was doomed from the beginning, I'm the only one who is responsible to carry the burden of his own life and I'm the only one who has to move his ass off in order to get better. I can get a hand for sure, but I have to do the 99% of the rest and rightfully so.
Well, I wasn't fair, I've got one thing from the previous blog, and it was the sense of being visible to others, to exist in the world. When I kept my blog private, no one didn't know I even existed, but once I published I've got a sense as the invisibility curse got lifted. It hasn't changed my life and surely people don't care about me, but it was better, that's the reason why I resume blogging.
Although I get up every day with a knife between my teeth, I've realized my current condition has to change for good, because if it doesn't, one day I will lose the desire to fight. After so many years of struggling, I'm proud of myself since I haven't given up, but I haven't received any positive feedback for my battles, I've just paid a huge toll.
In the first posts, I will elaborate on what went really wrong in the last year and in my life in general, looking to avoid the same errors in the future, a thing that I haven't done once in my life.
When I wrote in the previous journal, I was eager to see someone posting in it. It was something like: "Here's my problem, solve it for me" this is nothing but madness. I'm the only one responsible for saving myself from the pit I'm into, although any comment from other players would be a total gift.
I will change the tone of the content too. Even though I've opened myself to showing my weakness, many times I've just refrained from posting because I feared someone could attack me. But let's be honest, I'm a fish both at poker at life, the point I'm in right now reflects exactly who I am and where I stand on the social ladder. A lot of my thoughts are just dead wrong and I don't have to hide them, if I was right I wouldn't be in this spot.