Hi. I wish to journal here to have some form of introspection and accountability.
It is not my first attempt, my previous writings has ended in terrible tilt-rambles.
My tilt is of the " I feel so unjustly treated by variance and always run terrible kind", this is often followed by "wish-full thinking tilt" and it is not resolved.
I consider myself very fortunate to call Pat my friend, if you havent read Mobius poker blog youd be well advised to do so. And that is what keeps me in the game, I trust his knowledge and coaching 100%, and I am passionate about improving. I thank him for being patient and seeing through my BS, (I have spammed him on more then one occasion with my bad-beats and ramblings), and for being incredibly smart and possessing a great insight with regards to simplifying and getting a point across. There have been times I wanted to cave in, but never wholeheartedly. I was once part of Poker Detox and this is the reason for Pats and Nicks generosity with regards to my poker education. I self-sabotaged and caused my exit from the program. But I met some great people and rare minds. And they genuinely want you to succeed in poker and life.
This is not a blog where I can share some wisdom, I do not see myself as one that possess any that I would pass on as knowledge. If anything it is a blog to inspire to hold on to the poker-dream and endure the struggle.
2020 summed up, to the best of my recollection.
My BR was modest for starters and I entered the 25nl pool at stars, both zoom and regular. By March I was playing 100nl and shortly after I had my first shot at 200nl with a semi-aggro BR approach. Lost 30% of my BR and decided to move to Party pre summer, as the rakeback and leaderbord bonuses were very attractive. Ran not so well which transposed into playing not so well, thus dropping about 8k at Party, wiped out all rakeback and bonuses and I left party after a couple of months treading water and never catching momentum. Now my BR was only 30% in relation to its peak. Played a very high volume at Party and it took it`s toll on the balance of family, work, life etc. Needless to say, I was tilted and the focus was not on improving and my game deteriorated. July I reentered the stars pool at 50nl. This December I shot at 500nl after a great hot-streak. I dropped 3,5K which is only 7 buyins, but it was my stop-loss then some, and I was to tilted as I ran 6bi below ev. I know it is perfectly normal, but it was just very ill timing for me. It felt as I had almost reached a summit long dreamt of, only to fall short. By mid December I decided to take the holidays off and start fresh in the new year. My total loss for December was 6k. Not an insignificant chunk of my BR.
That brings me to today. My main game will be 200nl for now, dropping down if my mind-game is weak, and shooting at 500nl when my BR allows it. I wish to keep my focus on improving my technical ability and unveiling the miss-conceptions that are the root of my tilt. Every time I am thinking " I am about to make it" I fail terribly :). So I`ll call myself an inspiring semipro with aspirations to become pro and a desire to be that person that can sustain a pro mindset and lifestyle.
Best of luck at the tables, just not if you are playing me, then I hope you run terrible :)