Now i am, at the very bottom, but the "now i am " is the elastic part of the title, it will hold a present value even in the future,throughout this thread.
And my goal is to enrich this now i am statement with something other than being in the bottom, or being miserable , being lost, unfulfilled.
The amount of factors that led to this situation are tremendous, and it is a scary thing that most of them look self-imposed in first glance, even though there is not such a thing in reality yourself is nothing else than enviromental reactions,and it seemed like i had the most negative reactions to everything happening arround me, i spent 2 years of my life (15-17) thinking that i am sick or that i might die every day, with insane psychosomatic symptoms, i litterally had more than five triple heartbeats,for sure 3digits of doublebeats xD, after this period i had ocassional panic attacks, mild depression,low self-esteem and lost all motivation for achieving goals, i would binge alcohol,porn, video games every single day.
Now being a 27 year old male, with no education , no job , living in a small village in Greece with my parents and grandparents, with litterally zero prospect for anything good for my future, the best case scenario would be like, to find that 600/month job by kissing someon's ass and live the rest of my life with this.I think without even realizing it i was nihilistic to the core, an approach of i can not make it perfect so i do not even bother. The biggest procrastinator the earth has ever met, i remember the nuttela that i never put back on the fridge from the table for like two years before eventually throwing it to the garbage. My brain hurts trying to analyze how it is possible that a human being can act this way, repeatedly and for years, it is like i am under a spell or something,you can imagine how i did on my studies!!!.
I dropped out, but that is not the real issue at all, i never was into it in the first place , the last two years i have been playing Poker, i felt like that this is a chance, if i can make it i can change everything for me, but i had it backwards, because i did not really change anything in myself and in my life first , just imagine what a person with issues like mine can show up to a poker table, having litterally zero experience with the game, i had little to no money also so my first and only Pokerstars deposit was for 30$. I played mostly 2NL and i have tried 5NL and 10NL, i lost my database and track of results the last months, but if i range my estimation to +3.000$-3.500$ i am almost certainly not making a big mistake.All my earnings were spent for bills and basic needs.
The last few weeks, i was gathering the pieces of the puzzle, trying to figure out what my next moves have to be, i came up with a journal, my personal one,and it will start the same time as this one,it has some strict routine and rules, things that i must do, habbits i must give up.With short-term goals and long term goals, a decent portion of them are Poker-wise but not all of them, i might show up with some stuff from my personal journal if i feel inspired or find it even a bit relative to Poker. This routine and goals came up from the best of my thinking and reading from others, and i will try to apply them with the best of my skill. I think i just might be the biggest underdog ever trying to do this, i read many journals here i do not think i have seen someone starting of like this, but this makes me even more ambitious now, i do not feel like i am at the very bottom now, all this time my perspective and mindset has changed, If i was determined by the laws of the universe to never commit seriously into changing and improving myself, maybe that could be the reality bottom , now i am just ALL IN. :D.
Will be playing 2NL due to financial reasons and due to me just wanting to see where i will land at in terms of win/rate after commiting seriously into a different approach and mindset. i never had any coaching ,i do not have poker buddies to study or talk with(looking forward to), all that i know for the game is coming from free youtube content, forums, own experience and assumptions at the tables. The poker Goals for this period are gonna be to increase my bankroll and make some money untill September 2019 when i will have to join the military, i will obviously be studying poker too, by the time i come back i would like to have a bit of savings and a healthy bankroll to play at least 10NL. This will make a huge difference, even beating this small stake is detrimental for me, basic sallary here is 570 euros.