Sigmund-Freud's avatar

Sigmund-Freud

141 points

I literally think this is the sadest thing I have ever done. I am down to my last 3-4 BI at the lowest stakes. Crushed by every idiot fish that calls in mp w T8s, reraises with J3os, or limpcalls x etc etc. they can do whatever, I will flop promising and they will flop or turn or river the nuts I can literally not win a hand and for what is a long time ago I am totally crushed, I have not a single thread of belief that I will ever dig out of this hole. 300k hand with a pure donwward slope, and every shot brutally crushed by variance. I know I am just getting frawned upon saying this, but who is making sure the sites are kept in lines? If the site could make our money spin a few times extra they rake just that much more, I have so many sick runouts and wacked runit twice vs fish it makes no sense. But that is just me. Anyways, seems it was die tryin and not making it. Sayanora

Sept. 17, 2021 | 1:30 a.m.

Having been on a break and looking over much of my play I realized my foundation and understanding of poker is weak and loaded with misconceptions. I really enjoy the studies and the search for a meaningful approach. Just wish it was easier in game. The first two sessions I have bumped premium vs better premium a lot, and been sucked out on frequently. The worry is that it will not stop, as my last 180k hands has been just that. Already down 20 bi in just above 2k hands.

Sept. 10, 2021 | 9:17 p.m.

Ran one more session of low stakes. Did not go to well.

Biggest losers

PokerStars Zoom No-Limit Hold'em, $0.50 BB (6 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://flopturnriver.com



Button ($50)

SB ($73.14)

BB ($47.50)

UTG ($33.80)

Hero (MP) ($67.80)

CO ($45.41)



Preflop: Hero is MP with 10♣, 10♠

1 fold, Hero raises to $1.25, CO calls $1.25, 3 folds



Flop: ($3.25) J♠, 5♥, 10♥ (2 players)

Hero checks, CO bets $1.92, Hero raises to $7.12, CO calls $5.20



Turn: ($17.49) 2♥ (2 players)

Hero checks, CO bets $10.30, Hero calls $10.30



River: ($38.09) K♠ (2 players)

Hero checks, CO bets $22.44, Hero calls $22.44



Total pot: $82.97 | Rake: $2



Results below:

Hero didn't show 10♣, 10♠ (three of a kind, tens).

CO had A♥, 9♥ (flush, Ace high).

Outcome: CO won $80.97

PokerStars Zoom No-Limit Hold'em, $0.50 BB (6 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://www.flopturnriver.com



Button ($50.26)

SB ($57.14)

Hero (BB) ($53.13)

UTG ($58.44)

MP ($27.20)

CO ($54.70)



Preflop: Hero is BB with A♣, A♠

1 fold, MP raises to $1.50, 3 folds, Hero raises to $6.50, MP calls $5



Flop: ($13.25) A♦, K♠, 9♦ (2 players)

Hero bets $4.15, MP raises to $20.70 (All-In), Hero calls $16.55



Turn: ($54.65) 6♠ (2 players, 1 all-in)



River: ($54.65) 9♣ (2 players, 1 all-in)



Total pot: $54.65 | Rake: $2



Results below:

Hero had A♣, A♠ (full house, Aces over nines).

MP had 9♥, 9♠ (four of a kind, nines).

Outcome: MP won $52.65

PokerStars Zoom No-Limit Hold'em, $0.50 BB (6 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://poker-tools.flopturnriver.com/Hand-Converter.php



Button ($48.73)

Hero (SB) ($54.84)

BB ($59.41)

UTG ($51.35)

MP ($50.75)

CO ($84.03)



Preflop: Hero is SB with A♥, K♠

1 fold, MP raises to $1, CO calls $1, 1 fold, Hero raises to $6.50, 1 fold, MP calls $5.50, CO calls $5.50



Flop: ($20) 7♣, K♦, 5♦ (3 players)

Hero bets $14.25, MP calls $14.25, 1 fold



Turn: ($48.50) 7♥ (2 players)

Hero bets $34.09 (All-In), MP calls $30 (All-In)



Running it twice



First River: ($54.25) 2♦



Second River: ($54.25) 6♠



Board 1: 7♣, K♦, 5♦, 7♥, 2♦

Board 2: 7♣, K♦, 5♦, 7♥, 6♠



Total pot: $108.50 | Rake: $2.50



Results below:

Hero had A♥, K♠

Hero had two pair, Kings and sevens on the first board

Hero had two pair, Kings and sevens on the second board

MP had A♦, A♠

MP had two pair, Aces and sevens on the first board and collected $54.25

MP had two pair, Aces and sevens on the second board and collected $54.25

Outcome: MP won $106

Just a normal session. You would think getting 1 outed with set over set is rare, I have one every week. NO KIDDING!!

I am too running shit vs fish over a 300k+ sample, very much in the line with the AA vs 99 hand. I am 4K down vs shortstacks alone.

Sept. 9, 2021 | 11:02 p.m.

Post | Sigmund-Freud posted in Chatter: Get rich or die tryin`

Last blog sort of. Either an epic tale or a brief stint. Long story short, I started 2020 with $750, and by December 2020 I had $17k, today I have $600 and I can barely remember what it feels like to win a hand or have a premium hold. It is not the first roller-coaster. I began my poker-adventure when Moneymaker broke through and created the poker-boom, my first deposit was $200 and I ran it up to $58K in about a year playing mtts and sng`s, until a tilt-period had me blow it all on highstakes cashgames, believing poker owed me. Reason being I lost my internet connection whilst chipleading, 5x the 2nd place, an mtt with 20 players left and a 1st of 200k, I finished 20th. It was my dream crushed with significant ill timing in my life. Since then I have ran a couple of 100 dollars up to 10-20k a few times only to lose it all again. Seems every good run is offset by an equally bad or worse downswing. And this is probably why my mental game has been so fucked up, the bias is buying into the I am unlucky story and losing the belief that what I deduct myself is of worth something/correct, and have it accumulate.

I have had amazing methodology and content shared with me from brilliant minds, and still I have failed to break through. It has been suggested that poker may not be my game, and this is possibly correct. I have been in two cfp deals and failed both.

This is my swan dance.

I am going back to basics, in an attempt to rectify whatever false or incorrect foundations my plays are based on. I am attempting to get a thorough understanding of GTO and rebuild/regain my confidence. Or bust trying. I will study more then I play, and play lowstakes mtt`s and cashgame until increase in BR and proved theoretical understanding allows me to move up. Or I bust.

Played the 22$ scoop
Bust hand
PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, 22 Tournament, 700/1,400 Blinds 175 Ante (6 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://flopturnriver.com/

Button (t37,416)
SB (t18,480)
BB (t47,923)
Hero (UTG) (t38,412)
MP (t45,393)
CO (t69,359)

Hero's M: 12.19

Preflop: Hero is UTG with A, A
Hero raises to t2,800, 1 fold, CO calls t2,800, 2 folds, BB calls t1,400

Flop: (t10,150) 2, J, 9 (3 players)
BB checks, Hero bets t5,075, CO raises to t17,752, 1 fold, Hero raises to t35,437 (All-In), CO calls t17,685

Turn: (t81,024) 10 (2 players, 1 all-in)

River: (t81,024) 9 (2 players, 1 all-in)

Total pot: t81,024

Results below:
Hero had A, A (two pair, Aces and nines).
CO had 9, K (flush, King high).
Outcome: CO won t81,024

Payed the 11$ turbo
Crippling hand, busted on the next with KQo vs A7o.
PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, 11 Tournament, 1,500/3,000 Blinds 375 Ante (8 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://www.flopturnriver.com/

UTG (t29,320)
UTG+1 (t35,184)
MP1 (t65,512)
MP2 (t40,539)
CO (t40,253)
Button (t64,117)
Hero (SB) (t59,348)
BB (t20,287)

Hero's M: 7.91

Preflop: Hero is SB with Q, Q
1 fold, UTG+1 raises to t34,809 (All-In), 2 folds, CO raises to t39,878 (All-In), 1 fold, Hero raises to t58,973 (All-In), 1 fold

Flop: (t120,565) 7, 7, 10 (3 players, 3 all-in)

Turn: (t120,565) 4 (3 players, 3 all-in)

River: (t120,565) K (3 players, 3 all-in)

Total pot: t120,565

Results below:
Hero had Q, Q (two pair, Queens and sevens).
UTG+1 had 6, 6 (two pair, sevens and sixes).
CO had Q, A (flush, Ace high).
Outcome: CO won t120,565

Played a session of nl low stakes

I want poker to be intellectually stimulating. I wish for it to be fun: it is a long time since I found poker any fun. And I would welcome a positive stimulus to my income. I need it :).

So, Ikd, might be a entry or two and the I go up in flames, cursing my ill fortune, or a magnificent dance with the the devil in the pale moonlight.

Sept. 9, 2021 | 10:08 p.m.

This year so far has been the worst from a pokerdream pov, but has cleaned up a lot of my mental game. Saying that it feels a bit as regression looking at the form my posts are taking. The idea is to have this be productive.

May 30, 2021 | 12:37 p.m.

Dropped a few K at 500, dropped down to 200, ran like a fkn turdm dropped to 100 ran stupdi shit, dropped to 50, ran gut, then jsut fucked every time I try to make a move. And I have to confess, my patience is fucked.

May 30, 2021 | 1:42 a.m.





All my hands since xmas, 500nl, 200 nl 100 nl and 50 nl, thet are almost in succession. A downward spiral. Though game to have as an occupation.

May 30, 2021 | 1:38 a.m.


A Classic session. Play my heart out, only to be fucked by variance the last 10-20 hands and have zero to show for it. Greyhoundday

May 30, 2021 | 1:34 a.m.

As the lyrics goes: It goes on and on ........in just a 1k hands I am another 4bi below ev, total downswing is 80 bi+- or 14K if u like, below ev is 26 bi or 3k ish. Will post some graphs soon. Mental game is good though. And it feels ok to have a finite treshold, I will give it my all. And if I pass this point, I was 1, not good enoug, 2. Just that fucking unlucky

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $1.00 BB (6 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://www.flopturnriver.com

SB ($206.56)
Hero (BB) ($100)
UTG ($124.70)
MP ($100)
CO ($100)
Button ($222.86)

Preflop: Hero is BB with 10♣, 7♦.
UTG raises to $2, 4 folds, Hero calls $1

Flop: ($4.50) 9♥, 6♦, 8♦ (2 players)
Hero checks, UTG bets $2.14, Hero raises to $8.56, UTG calls $6.42

Turn: ($21.62) J♦ (2 players)
Hero bets $15.41, UTG raises to $30.82, Hero calls $15.41

River: ($83.26) 8♣ (2 players)
Hero checks, UTG bets $40.38, Hero calls $40.38

Total pot: $164.02 | Rake: $2.50

Results below:
Hero didn't show 10♣, 7♦ (straight, Jack high).
UTG had K♦, Q♦ (flush, King high).
Outcome: UTG won $161.52

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $1.00 BB (6 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://flopturnriver.com

SB ($110.49)
Hero (BB) ($147.32)
UTG ($65.36)
MP ($107.91)
CO ($107.72)
Button ($100)

Preflop: Hero is BB with K♥, Q♥.
UTG raises to $3, 4 folds, Hero raises to $11, UTG calls $8

Flop: ($22.50) 3♥, 3♣, A♥ (2 players)
Hero bets $7, UTG raises to $54.36 (All-In), Hero calls $47.36

Turn: ($131.22) 7♦ (2 players, 1 all-in)

River: ($131.22) 9♦ (2 players, 1 all-in)

Total pot: $131.22 | Rake: $2.50

Results below:
Hero had K♥, Q♥ (one pair, threes).
UTG had 7♥, 9♥ (two pair, nines and sevens).
Outcome: UTG won $128.72

May 30, 2021 | 12:46 a.m.

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $1.00 BB (6 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://flopturnriver.com

CO ($291.60)
Button ($121.66)
SB ($102.70)
BB ($446.04)
Hero (UTG) ($113.76)
MP ($115.01)

Preflop: Hero is UTG with A♥, A♣.
Hero raises to $2.50, 4 folds, BB calls $1.50

Flop: ($5.50) 9♠, 5♣, 7♦ (2 players)
BB checks, Hero bets $2, BB raises to $8, Hero calls $6

Turn: ($21.50) 10♥ (2 players)
BB checks, Hero checks

River: ($21.50) 2♠ (2 players)
BB bets $30, Hero calls $30

Total pot: $81.50 | Rake: $2.50

Results below:
BB had 2♥, 2♦ (three of a kind, twos).
Hero didn't show A♥, A♣ (one pair, Aces).
Outcome: BB won $79

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $1.00 BB (6 handed) - PokerStars Converter Tool from http://flopturnriver.com/

MP ($42.31)
CO ($122.90)
Hero (Button) ($100)
SB ($135.71)
BB ($136.67)
UTG ($104.92)

Preflop: Hero is Button with Q♠, Q♣.
3 folds, Hero raises to $2.50, 1 fold, BB raises to $11, Hero raises to $26, BB raises to $136.67 (All-In), Hero calls $74 (All-In)

Running it twice

: ($100.25) A♠, 7♣, 9♣.
First Turn: ($100.25) 4♠
First River: ($100.25) 8♣

: ($100.25) 6♥, 2♥, A♥
Second Turn: ($100.25) 3♥
Second River: ($100.25) 8♦

Board 1: A♠, 7♣, 9♣, 4♠, 8♣
Board 2: 6♥, 2♥, A♥, 3♥, 8♦

Total pot: $200.50 | Rake: $2.50

Results below:
Hero had Q♠, Q♣
Hero had one pair, Queens on the first board
Hero had one pair, Queens on the second board
BB had A♣, K♠
BB had one pair, Aces on the first board and collected $100.25
BB had one pair, Aces on the second board and collected $100.25
Outcome: BB won $198

Literally 2/5 first hands in after break. But I am at high spirits, for now.... last dance with the devil

May 26, 2021 | 11:17 p.m.

I quit. 95% of sessions for the last 160k hands is like this, and to be honest it is my opinion that all my poker has been like this. No matter the work I put in the worse I run.
This is from 2 session, just shy of 3k hands. And I could just pile on. I know I am not an expert, but this is just not worth it. I feel like a shitmagnet and have all my life. My mental game has been the strongest ever, and my studies the most productive. But I may just have had enough. The game is not at all what I thought it to be.

May 22, 2021 | 12:28 a.m.

Quick update. The bad run is not over just yet, brutal 2k hands and 10BI further down, acutally the downswing in it self was 20 BI over 2 k hands as I first won 10 and then lost 20 so fast my head was spinning :)..... topset lost to riverd quads, flop boat, villain runrun better one, etc etc. Very proud of myself to have not regressed heavily into self-pity and all sorts of ill mindsets. With regards to study this has been my most productive and organized period and I am looking to still improve on that.

May 13, 2021 | 7 p.m.

The 4 first months of 2021 has been really testing with regards to poker. The 100nl challenge is not going as well as hoped for, but my habits have improved. I have not gone into huge tilts because of run or whatever other excuse I have had, and I am looking at what I can improve on instead of spending much time looking at insignificant X vs Y`s with this or that outcome. Those will even out. But I have not been fault-free in this regard, just improved compared to previously. I have also decided not to move down as long as I am meeting my BR requirements for the stake.

Most of all happy with how I have kept on spending time studying, and the attempt to be at my best when playing.
From the productivity game youtube channel I found some advice that helps.
"The champions mind". Mental scorecard. 4 categories and a 1-5 scale point award system.
1. Belief-did I prepare so well I felt as I though could not fail?
2. Enjoyment- attitude of gratitude and a sense of humor throughout performance?
3. Self-talk- steady stream of positive self-talk?
4. Toughness- how quickly did I reset and recover after a setback?

So far at 100nl.

May 6, 2021 | 1:34 p.m.

It has been very surprising to learn that I have had a very cockeyed view of my actual skills and level of performance vs the imagined one at poker. The previous post, though meant somewhat humorous, has some deeper levels to it as well.

I will continue to carve out better and improved self management skills and strive towards high performance. Came across a decent youtube channel: Productivity game

Quick and easy to remember summations of essential takeaways from different books, and a good indicator if I`d like to read more.

Have a nice weekend all!

April 30, 2021 | 11:29 a.m.

I`ve realized I am not very good at poker :)

April 29, 2021 | 2:30 a.m.

Temporary conclusion: I suck. I suck worse than someone who has practiced their whole life sucking and now is very good at it. The upside is, I can only get better. I know what I suck at :)

April 28, 2021 | 8:39 p.m.

Hi! Yes, I would recommend it. Not so much guidelines, but pushes in the right direction and some useful references as well, you know the drill, some pages are fillers, but there are many gems there imo. I particularly like the idea of sorting your chosen subject as follows.
Interest; what is it (in depth, what is it), what is your strategy to improve/acquire skill, why, and what are your hopes for the desired acquisition?

April 24, 2021 | 9:41 p.m.

1 week back at 100nl.
Project. Minimum 40k hands, and play until bb/100 is 5+.
Best downswing I have had so far. Meaning, it seems I am growing stronger from a mental game pow and I have not cursed the run. The most objective I have been in a downswing. It has been a case of having the worst premium in a lot of pre-flop alins, and some coolers. Ran well in flips, and then butchered a couple hands :). It will even out.

Project. Better studies.
Continued progress, and improved on regular review and revision. Setting daily/weakly/monthly goals and keeping up the pace. Promising.

Lifestyle change.
Nearly done with "Grit" by Angela Duckworth. Reflecting on the previous books I have read and the relevance for me still. Regular hikes, and making sure I am social with family and friends.

It is going to take the time it is going to take.

April 23, 2021 | 6:57 p.m.

Happy for you, keep it up!

April 16, 2021 | 6:42 p.m.

@CatorMan.
Ty!

Yes, next project is 100nl, 40k hands minimum, but will play until win rate is 5bb/100+. And if I drop more then 10 BI, move back to 50nl until it is recouped.
Study habits is ongoing project. Will keep to what I have done so far for a lot longer, and try to improve on my revision and memorization techniques.

Best of luck to you as well, unless you play me :)!

April 16, 2021 | 12:41 p.m.

Challenge completed.

Feels good to have played nearly 4 weeks and not been hung up on run. High level of focus and sound mental game state. Looking at the sample it is obviously not large and I am not drawing any conclusions as to true win rate. Checking my graph I had 3 swings downwards that were 8 BI sized, and 3 upwards that were 10 BI sized, lots of small 2-3 BI ups and downs. 15k hands were the longest break even stretch. Just happy to have had a good mental state throughout the challenge.

Study habits. Humbling to realize I am making mistakes all over the place, and it has helped me shift my focus from victim of bad luck to I have room to improve, and lots of it :).
Pleased with how I have organized my routines even though there is much to be desired still.

Lifestyle change.
No rants in Pat`s direction, and I had not the urge either. Such a relief (for me and I am certain, Pat :). Regular hikes, eating better/healthier, and zero alcohol for the last 2 weeks (I am not giving up drinking, I love beer, wine, nice food and fun times waaay to much), together with a conscious effort to keep a positive outlook is the way. Not all roses, but the essence is there.

April 15, 2021 | 9:07 p.m.

gazjax69

some get a 40% rakeback challenge chest if they complete a certain amount of play.

Do you know the amount?
Sry to derail thread, just this one question :)

April 15, 2021 | 8:45 p.m.

40% RB at stars, how???

April 15, 2021 | 3:45 p.m.

It is a technique to keep the brain from going off mode «staring at the screen». Eg pointing out the situation, he is midle position and I did 3b, etc and then call out your decission and why. All loud. It too may be as simple as every 5-10 minutes calling out: I am an alert pokerplayer because that is the highest ev😊.

April 13, 2021 | 12:16 p.m.

Hi, good luck with journey. Saw a post earlier where you asked advice on how to keep concentrated, and high volume sessions certainly requires this. Read about japanese train conductors and this is a method that has proven results, easily transferrable to poker. enter link description here

April 13, 2021 | 10:22 a.m.

Week 3 is closing in on an end. Today the weather is amazing and I might just prioritize spending it outdoors with family.

Project 50 nl, 30k hand minimum, reach 5bb/100.

Reckon I`ll be done next week with volume, and currently the bb/100 is good. Happy with how I play and how I run :). Massive shift in where I direct my attention. Played about 10k hands break even, coolers and also bad plays. Previously this would have been my sole focus and I would have spiraled into all kinds of victimized thoughts. This week my centre of attention has been structured leak-finding, a welcomed break from obsessing over run.

Study habits. Back to basic.

Looks promising. After feeling overwhelmed and sometimes directionless/helpless (ties in with obsession over run) with how to study, a functional and directional pattern that works really well for me has emerged. In short, regular hand-history review and pick the lowest hanging fruit first, then conscious effort to integrate the desired correction.

And this is the shocking part, I have had my head so far up my arse for so long I have neglected what has been right in front om me all the time. Nothing I now see, has not been made extremely clear to me by Pat previously, repeatedly. My twisted thinking and observer bias has prevented the core of me to really believe. And I make A LOT of mistakes, mind blowing how I have pulled a curtain over my own eyes and selectively neglected all my errors. Specifically I recollect how I felt reading the blog entry in his Mobius post on why you are not winning, and felt hurt. I was doing all the right things I imagined, but I was wasting valuable time dug in the bad beats and excusing my shortcomings, to the extent I failed to make effective study and improve my technical insight. Further fueling my warped state of mind, a terrible downwards trajectory affecting my general well being.

So here's my theory: I think if you're losing at low stakes, which despite the rake, should be the easiest place to win, then you are breaking down at the logistical level. That means there is something fundamentally wrong with the way that you approach poker as a profession.

This is the truth!

Lifestyle change.

I am thankful for Pat giving me an ultimatum. The last month or so has been rewarding on many levels, notably quality of life and my general frame of mind. Not to exaggerate, but I came across this quote and whilst not on point to the topic here, it draws parallels-

man has two lives, and the second one begins when he realizes he has only one

.

Week 3, running good.

April 11, 2021 | 11:39 a.m.

Week two under the belt.
Projects.

  1. Play 50nl for at least 30k hands and prove a decent winrate, minimum 5bb/100.
    Halfway-ish, had some 50nl hands prior to start of project, but will only count the ones I play after having decided to take on this project. Definitely less stress with regards to monetary value, not that I have been scared money, just the impact of taking bad beats and risk of clouded decisions. That said, had a rough stretch losing 7 bi`s within 1k hands at zoom, mostly coolers and flips not going my way: these hands would have had a greater negative impact I assume, if at 200nl. At 50nl I did not fall into the trap of indulging, irritated, but not tilted. My belief is that I probably rose to fast in stakes, missing out on the mental stamina that needs to be nurtured alongside strategical insights. My weak mental game spot negatively fed on this.

  2. Study habits. Much to be desired still. I usually get the itch to play when I study and it breaks my concentration. Balancing family, work, study, poker and taking care of my self with regards to eating healthy and exercising has been a bit haphazardly and I am moving with baby-steps towards a more scheduled and directional approach. But I am moving and I am learning/reinforcing more about the how`s of it. Back to basic is the goal, and I know what to study, and I am exploring processes to find the ones that suit me better.
    Hand-history review has improved for one, I narrow down the specifics of what I am looking for and can run through 1-2k hands within a reasonable time-frame, as I am not losing myself in a hand on tedious tangents.

Lifestyle change.
Positive feedback from family. And it has not been the case of collecting myself before I socialize. Zero rants in Pat`s direction. Much better mood in general. Still reading my books, and contemplating. Way better then just a month ago, when I entertained the idea of being a failure, cursed with bad luck, and felt miserable.

Still running good.

April 5, 2021 | 2:52 p.m.

Post | Sigmund-Freud posted in Chatter: Medan Agan-Nothing in excess

In ancient Greece, the temple Apolle at Delphi bore several inscriptions, among them this one-nothing in excess-a hint to keep it balanced, if you will.They knew a thing or two back then already. Nick Howard, Saulo and other great thread-makers have started their great journeys or blog-ish entries with this as their core philosophy, I take that as a good omen and follow suit.

Since 20x-ing my BR in 2020 I have during these 3 first months of 2021 lost 11k shooting for a landing at medium stakes, 200-500nl. I lost 4,5k at 500, then 5k at 200, and rounded off with a 1,5k loss at 100nl. Throughout my journey of learning poker I have been obsessed with my run, especially when unfortunate, and it has definitely slowed down my progress as of late. Pat Howard, my ever patient mentor has been extremely lenient with regards to answering and tolerating my rants about my ill perceived luck. But a threshold was reached not long ago. He found my outbursts so out of whack that I was recommended therapy.

This really hit me hard as I was so dug down in my self pity I did not realize how uncontrolled I had become. Quote: -Whining generally reflects a persons`s inability to change either a situation or their own feelings-. I never thought of my self as that person, and certainly not an unstable one. But I do whine and, as I have learned upon reflection and monitoring my behaviour, I have periods where my emotions run wild and I go on highs and proper lows. This lead me to ask my GP for advice, and I am just done with some introspection being recommended a book on meta cognition-thinking about the way you think- and a book on changing behaviour vs taking on a project. I found a gem doing this, I bought both recommendations as audio books. One for ease of listening whenever I can, and two-it feels as you are being thought/consulted.

A project is defined with a clear start and end, with steps and expected result. A behavioural change is the modification of patterns in response to a stimuli, where one desires a lasting different process with a new end result. It is developing an improved lifestyle.

Obviously my downward spiral was not all ill luck, the quality of my play, execution, BR management etc suffered with my oscillating mood. And the stress of the actual monetary value added to my instability. I have no desire to be the person I have been when I take a trip down to the cellar. So with the last 3 months in mind, I am taking on a new course, more balanced, knowing a bit more about my weak spots and my stress limits.

Project. Play a meaningful sample of hands at 50nl, 30k+ hands and not move up until I am pretty certain my bb/100 is 5+. This with a max of 4tbls at once. And with a sound schedule. I know that I may well run hot/bad and 30k hands is not much, but I will keep this rule with every move up the stakes, and obviously BR management dictates moves as well. When I land at 500nl, I will make new assessment of how I have handled my self during this journey.
Project. Back to basics. Solidifying my understanding of strategy. A less random and more scheduled approach to how I study.

Lifestyle change. Accepting the volatility of poker and that the human brain can not assess ones run unbiased. That strategy is all that matters, everything else is noise. To keep the game within my threshold levels for stress. Removing whining as an outlet, it is a reflection of my lack of knowledge, not my persona, and I do not wish to have this trait.

First week back at 50 nl, running good.

March 30, 2021 | 10:03 p.m.

Probably taking a month of, it is just a fucking joke. Regretting posting, regretting ever learning poker. What a fucking waste of time. Reckon last post as well. Jesus, the lcukfacto is ridiculous and I am tilting like a motherfucker. Promised myself a year to stick it out, but not sure if I can be bothered to do this selftorturing shit that long. Better turn around soon, cause I am fed up

Feb. 11, 2021 | 1:19 a.m.

Funnily a friend of mine, not knowing of my struggles with poker, and one I have not spoken to in a while sent me a quote yesterday on sms and nothing else. " Discipline, consistency and perseverance beats motivation everyday of the week." Take a break from playing, even studying if you must. And come back, laying the road brick by brick, with a plan. I have given myself to end of year and if I have not made it by then. So be it, hopefully I have learned something or two. And I can either close the book, and find a new one, or begin a new chapter.

Feb. 10, 2021 | 4:56 p.m.

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