Hello everyone, I'm opening this journal trying to motivate myself, share with you my progresses and hoping to help others who want to discuss about the struggle behind depression and anxiety. I'm trying to improve my english too, since it's very poor, mainly with verbs.
Who am I? I'm Samuel, 24yo, from Sardinia (Italy)
"Why the faq you was depressed, mate? You live in a beautiful place, you have pizza and even Mafia!"
Ok, ok I will explain you...
All started when I was a kid and my story is similar to many others. A father who didn't show me any sort of love. Never went to do something with him, never heard a kind word, never had a hug, ecc. In my opinion he developed a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
What about my mother?
An eternal conflict with my father, a constant depressive state and she never had love by her parents. I received love from my mother but I had a terrible example on how to live life, how to organize the family and private life, ecc.
So, this little kid known as Samuel by the age of 16 started to detach himself from his parent, trying to learn life like a boat fighting the ocean waves, without a guiding light and a map. He refused the figure of his mother and didn't recognize his father as he meant to be. He had no friends and used to spend his days reading on the Internet.
But now, the interesting part...
At the age of 18, I was obligated to leave school because my parents couldn't afford that cost. I had barely no clothes and our house has been forclosed. I was terryfied and had no future...I started playing poker for a living in 2014 because I used to end my days in a lake of tears. I started doing sport because I was bullied due to my obesity. I started making friends because I was alone. I started taking care of myself because of my extreme insecurity. I started planning my future in the grip of anxiety. I was pushed by fear and all the goals I achieved before the therapy (2018) was the results of extremely negative emotions.
I hate to complain about my past but it was necessary to let you know the main reason of my anxiety and depression.
Let's talk about my present. I'm a professional player, let's say an average reg or maybe below average now. I always played heads up and never studied as I should have.
I played mainly 100-200-400NL on Pokerstars.it and, in the first time of my career, I had awesome results. I was always starting regwars and my winrate was pretty high, like 20-25bb/100 at those stakes. I wanted to be the best in the lobby, trying everyday to send sitout every regular from 200NL to 1000NL
I was finally loving something and having good results for the first time of my life. Then, suddenly, I was involved in a collusion (the first and the last one lol) at a final table with a friend of mine. We went banned forever from Pokerstars.it and .com.
A terrible loss...I started having an extreme depressive state, blaming myself day and night.
I wasn't able to get out of bed and all I wanted to do was commit suicide.
I started again 2 months later, multirooming. My winnings were consistent but I lost the appeal for the game because I was too depressed and had no plans and no goals.
In July 2017 I was close to death due to an accident with and Enduro Motorbike. I stayed 2 month in the hospital and...I was boring so a friend of mine introduced me to Pokermaster. I won 45k in 25 days lol. I almost was grateful for having had an accident rotfl.
From that time to now, I always played HU in chinese apps with great results at 20/40 - 25/50 and 50/1000cny but all I wanted to do was making money, and it wasn't enough for my motivation, so I played few hands.
By that times I was very unhappy, always in emotive whirlwinds, depressive states and suicidal thoughts. The simpliest thing was become extremely stressful and draining.
In January 2018 I started therapy online with a super professional guy who is specialized in stress management, sleeping techniques, meditation (he achieved a 6 month course to become expert, the BulletProof Coaching) and he's a doctor - nutritionist too. Best choice of my life ainec, in a couple of months he helped me in all areas of my life.
-I gained a lot of self-esteem
-I improved a lot in sleeping habits thanks to helpful routines, gadgets, tips.
-I met my actual girlfriend and I'm living a fantastic relationship, my first one :)
-I reduced dramatically anxiety and depressive moods.
-I achieved a lot of personal goals: I climbed Himalaya, I obtained a Skydiving license doing 8 jumps, left my parent's house and moved to a city, ecc.
He also do lessons in english so if someone is interested, this is his Website
Briefly, 2018 was my year: I discovered true love and the meaning of happiness. Obviously I played a veeeeeeery little amount of hands, I was too busy tasting the sweet parfum of life for the first time :)
Now, I'm switching to fullring games on those apps and have plenty of goals to reach, I'm pretty motivated even if my bankroll is very low at the moment.
SO, LET'S START! WHICH ARE MY GOALS?
SHORT TERM: (Before 1st of January) - I will be specific
1) Consolidate my sleeping routine:
In the past days I was in Milan with 2 friends trying to search for some good private clubs on Pokermaster (found 'em :D) and my sleeping habits was pretty shitty.
-In the next 10 days I will go to bed at 10pm and wake-up without alarms trying to know exactly how many hours I need for a good sleep and then buy the Philips Wake-Up Light.
-I will avoid screen usage 30' before going to bed and promote the read of a book.
-I will definitely ban from my life caffeine (I only drink Pepsi so it will not be difficult).
-I will use the Philips GoLite instantly after my awakening.
2) Social Detox:
-I will delete all my profiles on Social websites (Instagram, Facebook, Tinder, Twitch, Youtube).
-I will manage my phone usage with the HabitLab app trying to reach maximum 1.30h/day including 30' call with my GF (Spotify doesn't count)
-I will use Google Calendar on a daily basis to plan days and weeks.
-I will use Evernote as a To-Do-List.
-I will use this Journal as a Goal Tracker.
3) Focus Work and Deep Work:
-I will use the first hour of the morning (after having breakfast and using GoLite) to see 1 video of the RIO Library.
-Since I barely lost my focus playing long sessions I will start with a variant of the Pomodoro Technique. -> 5x [1h playing + 15' break] x 5days/week.
MID-TERM GOALS: (Next 3 months)
1) Solid Routines:
-I will try to have a Wake-Up routine (we can discuss about it if you want)
-I will try to have a Shutdown routine (" ")
-I will try to have a Pre-Sleep routine (" ")
-I want to focus on eating well, taking always my supplements and bulking again (I was pretty decent this summer).
-I want to focus on being constant with Bodybuilding.
-I want to play regularly, at least 25h/week.
-I want to dedicate at least 5h/week to study.
-I want to start coaching for profit.
-I want to start a Skype group for Asian apps studies and material sharing (Let me know if you play my same stakes and are interested).
-I want to read at least 1 book/month.
-I want to improve my sexual skills doing routines like Kegels/Jelqing, ecc. and reading 1 book of this topic/month (doing well under the bedsheets actually but I want to reach some higher level skills).
LONG-TERM GOALS: (Before 31st of December 2019)
-Having found the 3 best routines for me.
-Being at 10/12% BF (actually 17) and being HW-2/HW0 (for those who don't know, H is for Height, W is for Weight. Basically I would like to be 168cm for 68kg with 10/12% BF. Not easy.)
-Crush 20/40/80 and 50/100/200cny with at least 15bb/100.
-Have read at least 24 books.
-Have improved my sexual skills (I will track this by myself, not in this journal lol).
-Want to try threesome and improve my BDSM play.
-Visiting 3 different countries.
-Buying a Mercedes Classe-A.
They said I will never make it.
I said "watch me!"