Random tilt and life/financial issues

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Random tilt and life/financial issues

Hi everyone,

After a ~4 years break I decided to play poker again, out of interest for the game and also because I have ~58k euros of student loans (which is over 2x the average american student loan, and I live in a country where the average salary is 16k gross euro yearly). The loans happened because various issues (poor parents, terrible guidance, being too young & having a depression for a while). I have 1.8-1.9x the average salary of the country I live in, but it will still take me 10 years of deprivation to pay back these debts (I live in the capital, which is quite expensive vs the rest of the country).

So basically, I thought it would be a great idea to play poker and attempt to play at a level where I could pay back my loans quickly (say NL200 or above, but even if I would make 5k USD per year at smaller stakes it would help a lot).

Before I continue, I would like to clarify that I am absolutely not like this in real life, not even close. In real life, I would say that I am a nice person (and nice without expecting favors / sex / something back in return in the form of karma or whatever).

Since I stated to play again, I've had huge issues when losing to regs that I think are terrible, it's far worse to me than losing to recreationals, after all these guys are not trying to play this game well (at least, it's nothing compared to a regular), so when a reg that deliberately tries to be good and manages to win despite doing nonsensical things I am losing my mind*. For some reason, I feel that bad regs should lose 100% of the time (it is absolutely irrational and makes me a bad reg mental game-wise, not gonna argue that it makes sense). I started to be pretty immature in the chat, and on top of that I have problems with something quite basic in poker: variance. Every time I have a bad session I feel horrible, I think of quitting this game, I feel that it's a huge setback and that I am still far away from making meaningful money compared to my loans etc. Today, I had a losing session at NL16, I lost close to 10BI during my NL16 shot so far, and it's crushing me. I also know that it is ridiculous: I made ~100 buy-ins in 100k hands, I should theoretically not be worried and look at it in a relational way, tell myself that it's variance and that if I keep playing well, results will eventually come etc.

I read 3 mental game books (Elements of Poker, The Mental Game of Poker 1 & 2), had 8+ hours of coaching with Jared Tendler mostly back in 2013. I used to play poker at NL100+ for a living but I quit because it drove me absolutely crazy (and I busted my roll obviously, not really by losing but mostly by not winning and using the bankroll for life expenses etc. I never made enough money to pay back my loans which were taken between 16 and 21). I had the coaching with Tendler during my depression so there was more urgent matters let's say. He helped me tremendously feeling good life-wise, but we definitely did not work full time on my mental game (just a bit towards the end), but despite all this knowledge and work, here I am.

I don't want to quit poker, mostly because it can be another source of income and I am quite crushed by these loans, it's a huge burden on me and prevents from doing things I would otherwise do. I don't know what else could provide an extra source of income, if I did, I would seriously consider doing it (minimum wage is 4 eur an hour or so here). Any mental coaching would be probably too expensive (unless I could be certain that there was results, but after what happened with Tendler I am a bit worried that there's a possibility that any coach would not be able to resolve my issues).

What do you think I should do? Are there any resources that you think could help? (it does not have to be related to poker) Do you think that I should pursue something else than poker as a side hustle? Is there content here that you think would help me? (I still have to redeem 1 month of Essential membership that I got with the FTGU CG course)

I hope that reading my rant was not too painful (also because English is my 2nd language, I hope nothing sounds wrong/weird), and thank you if you did. I hope this thread does not come across as toxic, I genuinely feel hopeless at times and I don't know with whom I can talk about it.

*my results are reinforcing that belief and that sense of entitlement. Whenever I catch myself being humble and having rational thoughts like "Well maybe you suck and they know something you don't", I almost instantly think "Well if that would be the case most of the time, you would never have this win-rate"

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