Jeff_

Short report:

Played last day before vacation. I have a flight back home tomorrow and after that at least 10 days without poker. This month was a heater month. I felt it clearly and a good distribution of cards followed me at the end. Was winning at every room I'm playing except one, but like 80% volume coming to 2 poker websites so that’s pure variance. Just luck.

Don’t want to be too happy about anything or too sad. Just normal and observe things without judgement. Especially when we don’t know what the future will unfold. Emotional roller coasters aren't so pleasant.
Yet, not planning to be a robot as well. Nor do I think it is possible for me…

Maybe I will play or study during the last days of this month. Not entirely sure yet, goals and everything also will be written after vacation. Also want to reread some of the notes, pages, when I come back.

Don’t remember when I said that I am sad, this month or last. Anyway it has negative sides for sure and positive too. Feel when I am upset my ego decreases and I am taking losses easier. But harder to play and motivate myself to study anything. For some reason when things go really good - I expect them to go bad in the future. When things go really bad - I expect them to go good in the future. Probably it also has something to do with overthinking, over worrying and something from the past.

Decided to keep playing in the same rooms and not jump into GGpoker or Pokerbros. I want to start playing GG, but basically everyone has not good results at nl500-1000. Even the strongest reg like ishter barely winning before rb, talented reg like stefan losing and … No need for more commentary and if you are winning around 0bb, variance is gonna be extreme. Playing little bit of 5k make sense, but only for bumhunt and that's quite close to get warning. Pokerbros is different dynamic and everything, need to readjust and get used to software.

Anyway, thank you everyone who read and special thanks who gave a like. Today and this month I am feeling really motivated and poker brings me some happiness and enjoyment. Yeah for sure because I ran well and that happiness coming from results, which I am not a big fan of. Yet, accepting.

Good luck and stay healthy. See you soon!

#24
First 4 hours of today I experienced positive variance and heater. That made me think I am playing well and with a good aggressive style. Actually I don’t know if it is the truth. When you get good cards it is obvious you are gonna bet and so on. And other players will fold/call. Last hour I played mostly in another room which had action at that time and got smashed there. It is just a feeling I think. I like how I played there and don't think that I should've done things absolutely differently.

This room (in my opinion, which I doubt now) is weaker than any other, for example stars. Rake is around Chico level. Have weak players sometimes. Over the past years I had good results there and the game seems decent. I’ve seen some plays which I am not sure about and some not so good ones. However this year I feel a bit stuck there, it might be variance or how I play.
When I observe players' reactions and their decisions, I don’t see anything which stands out from other rooms. But in my head it is like I’m bluffing there and getting called. My aggression doesn’t work and people are smart in a sense to outplay me. Bit tilting of course, when they counter you very well and you are frustrated with it.

If they know my style very well and which strategy I use, of course it would be pretty tough to play there. But on the other hand I can certainly readjust and in that sense things will go better. Maybe it's just variance and I’m overthinking, especially since I don't have a huge volume there this year and it is like 4th-5th room by volume.
Not gonna change anything but will observe those games and will take note of what's going on. And what I am thinking while playing, my expectations and desires. For sure I can overstimate myself and underestimate others or visa versa!

Plan is to play 2 more days this month and take a rest. Without thinking about poker or opening any news. Not gonna be easy or will it be too easy?

I don't know this. That player (rec) was not even aggressive, I found out later during the game. Not even stationery and seems rather accurate. That hand was first my hand vs him and pretty much at the table

#23
Finished playing this week. Feels like I picked up the sense of the game and overall was quite interesting, enjoyable and happy to play (not happy to study, and not happy outside of poker at most). Didn’t check the results more and my run was somewhat ~0. Made some questionable plays and some debatable ones.
To be honest for many days I don’t feel happy with life but it doesn’t seem to affect my game a lot. Feel maybe slightly more calm and less ego. However, on the other hand, less motivated and harder to study. Also sometimes before starting playing I feel so doomed and have no desire to do anything. Discipline working in my favour.

Actually I feel quite happy to play not in an optimal state. Whether it is because of fear, anxious feeling, overthinking, worrying or any other. I am happily taking it! Just noticing my feelings and accepting.
No need to fight or get rid. Whatever, I have fear and let's play with it. Understand that there are going to be mistakes, logical flaws and other things. Want to see where I will land like that.

Studies:
Think studies are important. Just a little bit for each day - consistensy. It brings confidence and sense of the strategy and the game. Don’t remember maybe last week or longer ago I said that I completely don’t know what to do at the tables. How to play and what's the strategy. Should I be accurate, aggressive, overbluff and so on. What's the flow?
This week I also didn’t know at first but after studying a bit, reading some psychology notes I found myself in the right spot. I didn’t learn anything big or get a super boost (‘aha moment’). Was just looking at some hands, studying with solvers and reading my notepad.
So sticking to a game plan, which adds a tiny bit of confidence and makes it easier to not spend a lot of energy trying to figure out what to do. Energy is important, I read today: if you play 4 hours each day, the last 2 hours define your skill set. First 2 you have more energy, you feel fresh and more sharp. Last 2 are gonna be more challenging.

Some personal stuff:
Before I start writing I want to share more but while typing I already feel tired and it takes a bit too long as well.
To be short - don’t feel so happy. No matter how things are going now, there are always reasons to think negatively and be unhappy. You got great poker results - well nothing is stable and variance is massive. You got a lot of money - well can be scared of losing it, or think negatively about other areas for example health. That’s totally me!
These days I find myself so often in situations where I am thinking about the future in a catastrophic way. Like this thing will happen, or this…
Thoughts pop up all the time - while playing, in a break or during any other daily activity. Brain likes to think and that's okay.
If I think logically, let's imagine some cases will happen, let's also calculate their chance. After doing both we can see what is happening. For example we have a 20% chance of something negative in the future. It is a relatively big number, but even more important that it can ruin our mood and stress us in 80% days for now.
What to do? Don’t know. If I knew what is working I would not struggle. Maybe it is a habit of thinking, maybe it is a detrimental problem, maybe ….
I find that many things which I think will bring happiness do not bring it for long enough. Something can make you feel good today. Something can make you feel good tomorrow.

Let's end this post - be happy

#22

Dealing with losing:
Today was a super tilting day. It felt like everything was going in a way to make me ‘’lose my head’’ in rage and anger. Set-ups, close spots, bad beats and facing aggression in so many situations.
When I was taking a break after the 1st session, for sure my feelings and emotions reminded me of ‘’boiled kettle’’. Quite angry and annoyed and steam going out from my body.
Allright, losing is hard for sure and everything has some meaning behind it. It is unpleasant, uncomfortable and brings a lot of emotions to me.
Understandable. In the end the more you love something, the more it affects you in every way.

So far this month is weird. It seems like I am so lucky but my EV is below 0. Because I won flips and ran over other players a bit. My results however are nothing and not supposed to be considered lucky. Well it is lucky in this scenario, but overall whatever. However, winning is good and when did I become upset with winning? :/ Did I shift to a great player again? oO

If I think logically that can’t tell anything too low sample and variance. But days like today are super hard. Checked results again and it started to become a habit for me. Think I would like to check once every week on a scheduled day. Otherwise it also has some impact on me. Both negative and positive

Challenge - looking for results next time on the last playing day of
this Month. So before I go back home.

Besides, I decided that I will play in the same rooms and not gonna change to GG or apps. Asked one good player about GG, he told ‘’ for sure don’t try’’. At least I don't think anymore about it and can accept it while moving on.

Haha by the way, yesterday I played 300 hand and ran like absolute beast, today exactly opposite. Those swings are painful! Even I really noticed how sunnrunned it was there but negative varience is harder to spot. Could be my mistakes and bad plays??

#21

Poker:
This week had few important things to do and at the start felt under the weather so less volume than usual and less study time. Also I am not sure how to feel: I won quite a bit of 50|50 flips but on the other hand I got some ugly situations and set ups. Is it considered lucky?
Of course mistakes here and there and very optimistic and random plays.

At the end of the week my EGO increased and I felt very good about myself and the level of my game. Certainly I am keeping aware of that. When I feel too high up, I tend to get more entitled tilt and hate losing tilt. Also less happy and enjoyment in general.

Additionally at the end of the week. Felt again like losing game flow and wasn’t sure what to do. I had a feeling that I am playing tight and missing out on good bluffs, and other times had a feeling that I am punting a bit and too aggressive. Which results in trying to put less heat.
Honestly it probably has to do with variance as well. There are moments when you smash everything with aggression because of card distribution and also moments when you get the feeling that you are a huge nit.

There is nothing wrong with any of these. Today is Saturday and I’m studying. Not too much and not like a crazy dedicated worker.

Life:
This week my life changed a lot. Well at least on paper (literally), in reality pretty much the same. Not sure what to take from it? Suppose to be more stressed and more overthinking about the future, anxious and result oriented. On the other hand - challenges are good and trying to avoid them isn’t nice or beneficial.
For sure I feel more happy now than last month.

Thoughts and plans:
Overthinking a lot about which rooms I should be playing from home. It is sometimes so tiring and takes so much energy. Want to make a good decision but it seems impossible and no matter where I will play there are big changes that are not gonna be satisfying or happy.
I don’t want to play lower than nl400 and that's my approach. Better to play one nl400 table for me than 3 nl200. It is just my way. For sure different people have other attitudes and I totally understand their preference.

I am asking myself what I want at that time? Do you want to win a lot? Do I want to have fun? Want material results? Want happiness?

Even If I say I don’t want to win, inside I would be disappointed and sad with losing. It is just being very attached to the game and having a big love. Something which gives me energy and motivation. However, I would aim to play for fun.

Options are: 1)GG poker (Variete of games and good opportunity since nl5k runs only there pretty much). Downside is their policy towards regs and very high chance of losing.
2)Chico-Ipoker-Wpn-something else (Convenience and less stressful, also enjoyable). There are not many games there, at times I am playing. If I can add one more room with at least one table 500+ in my time. That would be awesome
3)Apps (too stressful and still I don’t see much worth trying it for short time, some other time)

Some hands:

-700$ with other rooms and missed hands from data

Last day of this month was super swingy and tilting, because of close spots and uncertain decisions. Seems like today they got it quite often.
Time to rest and enjoy 2 days off. Good luck to everyone. Stay happy please

Addition: More goals and to make it fun
-Still playing only few tables, however taking opportunites in higher limits in other rooms (based on feelings)
-Stop-losses and moving up
-Moving up means adding more regwars and games with uncomfortable lineup

June
Gonna write a month wrap up today but will play one more day tomorrow. Just because I feel like writing now and also might be better like this.
Well, June, I don’t really know how I ran this month up to this point. If you ask me? Was I lucky? Not sure. Was I unlucky? No idea
However, one thing I noticed. Felt not so happy and overall less fun and enjoyable (compare to other months in this year). Unsatisfaction comes from some parts, like trying to hold redline or play aggressive, also from life and worries about future. It's a bit stressful and too much to take sometimes. Racing for winning… Every lose is hurts
Wanted a lot and had big desires. When you are not getting it - you feel bitter and down. Probably it also has to do with following the biggest cash games on GG and success (short term) of some people you aren’t expecting to be. Comparing yourself with peers and having the urge to get it also.

Key thoughts:
1)Happiness. Where am I looking for it? Happiness in winning, happiness in crushing other players, happiness in performance, happiness in being myself
2)Racing for redline. Once it is ideal, will it bring long awaited calmness and peace?
3)What do I want? What will change if I get it? What will happen if I don’t?
4)Vulnerability in poker
5)I'm just an average poker player with my strength and weakness

Goals for next month: 1)Pleasure and joy 2)Be that as it may! 3)Remind
myself about variance 4)Learn while playing

Have few other things also. Will study GTOwizard a bit and go over some situations, analyse and maybe find something interesting. Play vs trainer a bit. And psychology, self journaling, writing my thoughts and observing/noticing my feelings (emotions).

Actually I am going back home next month so I'm likely gonna have 1-2 weeks of vacation. Besides, I am strongly considering trying something new: gg or apps. My setup won’t be available so I need to play somewhere else

#20
Having ups and downs. In poker and in real life. Feel happy one moment and the next moment overthinking and unhappy. Very unstable and swingy and can really feel it.
How to deal with it?
Good question, I don’t really know aside of accepting and acknowledge

This week of poker was rather nice. Played 6 days and even some days I felt tired and still managed to put in a desirable amount of hours. Besides having a family member's birthday and anniversary, both of those occasions brought a lot of stress (preparation). My sleeping schedule declined a bit. And for at least 2 days I felt tired since the start and slow during the rest of the day.

About poker - had a feeling I was overly aggro and spewing a bit. But it might be just feeling or just variance. Anyway, I can't get any conclusion from it. Redline started to go up and green also. However I notice that winning/losing stacks a bunch. Made a few crazy bluffs and some of them I regretted, but yeah, played as I played. Could certainly regret giving up also, just moving on!

##############################################

Yesterday I checked the results during the session. Everyone does it, I know. When I lost like a bunch in a short time I started to have strong feelings and needed to see it. Maybe to reassure myself, to get confidence or something else.
Couldn’t fight it so checked
It always comes up when you lose, when you win no desire at all.
Why?
-To get certainty
...to be sure where I am standing
...to assure myself I am winning/not losing a lot
...to see how badly I am doing now/how much I lost
-To get rid of that itchy unpleasant feeling
-To get calm
...to get inspired/motivated and change the gear

Will study a bit more today and rest evening and tomorrow. Good luck to everybody and be mindfull <3

#19
So far this month is going mediocre. Breakeven results and feel unhappy and unsatisfied. Today I spent hours thinking and answering some questions.
Feel negative and toxic, even after a few full days off I don’t feel fresh and fastly moving into an annoying mood. After 2 hours of playing, I already feel boiled and not wanting to close tables, just keep playing until those emotions go away. Don’t want to click exit and feel shitty

My first observation was - what do I feel? And emotions/feelings were quite normal, feel angry of losing, annoying with mistakes and tilted about other players. Pretty regular for poker player during tough day

Secondly - I asked myself why? Feel angry because of losing, understandable. But let's go deeper. Losing brings me anger because of high expectations? Or because of perfectionism? Or because of ego? Or maybe I try too hard? Or rush? Or ….

Was quite interesting to be honest to look inside myself. Find it fascinating, so many things going on and so many ideas.

Thirdly - I just wandered around. Doing exercise, shaving and taking a shower. And I start to think, what do I want? What do I want now? What do I want and it will make me happy and grateful?

What I need to become ‘‘best version of myself’’. Maybe winning a lot of money? Sounds right! Yeah that would make me smooth like a silk
Skyrocket redline? Also, great. I would be so confident in myself and it is of course nice and warm feelings.

And after all that I am pondering. Maybe it is not my expectations, not my perfectionism, it is just a life situation. Maybe I have an urge to win, maybe I need to win to be happy and I need to prove that I am worthy. My other areas recline a bit so I want poker to go up. To not lose myself. To get happiness and a good feeling.
Anyway I am not sure if it is correct. Can be wrong as well. Just sometimes it's good to zoom out and see the bigger picture.
For me personally being result oriented seems too hard and too much unhappiness. And when I need to win, I just don’t enjoy anything much. Kinda tough but everyone is different. At least I am getting more excited about poker and more inspired.
Which is also surprising to me.

To be honest I don’t like to write serious stuff at all. My approach is easy and somewhat careless. So I'm gonna click some buttons tomorrow, kinda find it enjoyable to do something weird.
Maybe I need to play some nl2000 to get more sense of what's going on and go rogue there. (Will jump if see good game)

#18

This hand feels a bit greedy and overly-agressive. Actually I don't think it is played bad just have some negative feelings after result I got.
Thinking again now, certainly might be good. Probably I would never jam river though :/ or jam
When he XR like that, feels like I can find a valuebet when he calls. Besides he might be scared of 4straights on the river and play value straight-forward

SB is a recreational player and not agressive one, especially preflop with like 33|10| 3% 3bet.

My plan was to bet small flop to get check down till river and lose less w KK/QQ and get some value against QJ|JT and TT. Turn I improved and decided to get one more street vs some KQ, AT, AQ and so. Probably my size is too big but I don't see XR there and it was unexpected.
On the other hand 50% and 75% bet have almost no difference vs range he calls.

Anyway, bitter hand.

#17 Tilting day
So tilting run today. Felt really angry and annoyed. Wanted to check the results and checked it.
When things are going quite badly I have a big desire to see how much I lost and where I am standing. To bring some certainty and confidence. At least I want to have it but in reality usually 2 things might occur. Either if I am doing better than I am expecting I would feel happy, and if I am doing worse I would be more anxious and stressed. Besides, sometimes I might overthink a lot after :/

Easy to see everything bright when you are lucky and feel fair about card distribution. Easy to be very frustrating and negative when you feel unlucky and poker is unfair towards you (in your opinion).

Even before starting to play in the morning, I didn’t really want to play. Wasn't so confident and not sure what to do and how to maintain strategy. Maybe even lost in a sense a bit.
That feeling is normal though, sometimes happens. Especially after a day off and when you aren’t really happy with how everything is going.
Also some poker days are really tilting. It is a special run of cards which makes me especially angry. It is not when you make 2nd nuts and lose or AAvsKK situation. It is when many different spots happening where you get a bunch of close decisions and unsure situations, where you debate between options and based on results feel like choosing wrong ones everywhere. Where your exploits are not correct and assumptions aren’t right.
Tough to deal, especially when you start your day with more annoyance and anger than normal. Already close to start tilting. Well and expectations as always (can do good and bad) -_-

p.s. my h2n results now absolutely not correct so no point in checking more. One room already have 1k difference in h2n and cashier.

#16
This week. Last couple of days I wasn’t lucky at normal rooms but before the end I won a few BI on an untracked website. Which doesn’t show here. So far everything is going decently I guess, can’t complain at all.

Time to time I am thinking about goals and challenges, where I want to go and how I can improve. What's my idea about the future, which direction I am heading? To high stakes? To play more? To play better? To ….?

Starting with playing more:
Well I am not entirely sure about that. It is not simple and I can't tell if playing more will bring success or if it gonna make me happier. For sure spending more hours in a week for poker seems not a healthy approach.) Besides, I don't want it. So there is only one thing - to play more tables - which could result in worse. Playing more to reduce focus and playing more by adding bad tables. Have benefits and have negative sides!

Playing better:
It seems like a myth to me. Firstly you can play better each month and each year, but other players also will play better. So in the end you maintain roughly the same place. And secondly it is pretty damn hard to measure. What does even playing better mean? Winning more bb/100? Or getting more enjoyment and fun?
Don’t like this goal as well.

Playing higher:
This one is a more interesting one, however it has a big downside. It is not the stress of the pressure or technical issues. Nowadays good big games are not easy to find and options are limited. If you want to play nl5000 for example you only have a couple of rooms available and need to adjust the schedule. Can't wake up in the morning, open lobby and jump into action.
Maybe you are ready for it - technically and psychology but still you aren’t able to play it because of other factors. Can’t get a seat for example or you find those games but they are rigged (applications hello).
Still I want to play higher and try nl5000. Wanna experience it and don’t care if it ends badly. Actually it brings me excitement and a nice feeling. Of course I feel scared and feel outsmarted by other people. But it is fun!
Besides you never know, right?

#15
Performance
Just made a few paint pictures which show - how I feel about my performance during the day. First is a good day, when mostly everything is going well with a few mistakes here and there. Second is bad day, not the worst but a tough run for sure. And the last picture is just my real performance, without affection for emotions and my judgement.
Obviously everything is just random, but I would like to post it here. Because next time I will have a bad day, it doesn’t 100% mean that I really played badly. Maybe actually everything was great from my side and just unlucky or a cold run. Sometimes I feel really down because of mistakes, misplays and wrong assumptions. At least can look this picture and think, not everything have simple and an easy explanation

Biggest winning pot
Today I won a stack of nl2000. Probably it is the biggest pot I won in my life. That’s an achievement!
Didn’t feel much after it, actually it was like almost the last hand of my day so after I quit tables and went outside. Wasn’t lucky at nl1000 though today I got some coolers and an unpleasant situation. Maybe that's the reason why I didn’t feel anything. Like chasing loses

About highstakes/my goals
Uhhh can write a lot about it. Because next month I am going back home for summer and for a few months, I am not gonna be able to play EURO rooms anymore. In that sense my options are limited towards some american sites/ gg poker and also applications.
Quite a rough opportunity. Really considering gg nowadays, just because I want to try it again. I know it is stressful and rake is high, but the experience is decent. Also I don’t know what results are gonna be there. Maybe everything will be good. For sure I am not going to play for the leaderboards or rake. Because I don’t have extra rb deals and can’t get them!!! Sucks a lot. Gonna softly bumhunt ( on the edge to get warning).
It is just an option, not exactly sure but one up there.
I heard chico increased rake again :/
Maybe like every 2-3 months I starting to stress about pokerrooms and which ones to play. Where is higher EV? Whats ideal and so on?
Takes a lot of energy and reduces quality of life. Don't think I ever found satisfying answer, at least for longer time than a couple of days. Now I even have a note in my laptop with all rooms available and in next column I wrote '' opportunities''. Which is very subjective... But it does reduce stress and worry a little

Also want to add. Thinking that some high stakes games like nl5000 with a weak player might be easier than nl1000 regwar. Easier technically. And it is a huge thing. Even if it is easier and has higher EV/expectations it doesn’t mean those games are gonna be very good to play. Because the emotional level of difficulty will be high. Stress, tilt, frustration and many other things gonna make it eventually tougher.

Weak players
Already wrote a lot. Just gonna mention that weak players are also adjusting and changing their style. Not only because of tilt. I saw a station player after some time making a lot of folds. I saw aggro players hesitate to bluff, and after making crazy bluffs and after again changing to play passive.
Also another observation - some passive player starting to play aggressive and so on. Quite easy to see someplay and label players - ‘’station’’ ‘’nitty’’ etc. But I am afraid those labels are not gonna stand forever and even in one session can be replaced.

Anyway, that’s it for this wednesday. Good luck to everyone :)

May

Overall +2BI more, so around 2,4k which seems very good
After my last update I hit one bad day where nothing was working, being unlucky in multiple situations, being crushed and tilted. Besides I got covid which affected the end of the month heavily. Even that bad day I mentioned above, was not in a good state.
About this month - 3 things can be said: bad run at first, continuous heater in the middle and covid last week which was frustrating. Missed few days of playing and also a couple of days I played either very little or with not good focus and mindset. For me personally I can play only when alone in the room - it is the best environment. If someone else is near me my annoyance increases and also my brain works slower, getting easily distracted and harder to concentrate. Tilting like a monkey and losing control :(
Kinda sad with all that. Even feel slightly powerless and weak. Doesn’t matter how good a month was, I am very affected by the last things because it is vivid and makes me upset right now(negative).

Goals for June:
1)Playing as I can and awareness of my qualities
2)Keeping track of my expectations from the session, day, week, month
3)Study common spots for aggressive approach

Key thoughts May:
1)Noticing when I am anxious and what it want to say
2)Accepting anger and being in that state
3)Idealisation - I am doing something good not because of it, in spite of
4)How annoyance can build up and small things create monkey tilt
5)Comparison - it is actually a good thing but can bring unhappiness and feeling down. Do I really want what that person has? How would I feel having it? What should I change to get it?
6)Being aggressive is good, but not in every single situation.

#14 Tilt and annoyance

Today I went off quite a lot. Which was something I already anticipated and even though I am typing it now I feel really angry, dissatisfied and annoyed. Just finished my 2nd session - so tilting and so &&&&&&.

Before starting to play today I had few triggers to add into my overall state:
1)Today I wanted to write to 888poker about stolen money (thats provide a bit of negative energy and anger)
2)Yesterday I had a fever and felt ill. Today I had a headache and not really recovered fully. It is ruins my schedule and I really hate being sick for multiple reasons: a)gonna play less (day off or etc) b)too often I am getting sick c) can’t exercise and can’t study well (not productive, waste of time)
Additionally next monday I have to take a day off as well, because we will go to the countryside. Also don’t make me more happy
3)Yesterday I wasn't happy with formula-1 results. Actually with one driver performance. Overall results were good
4)It is coming to end of the month and I don’t want to have losing month or so (pressure, stress, perfectionism)
5)I looked results of few other regs before weekend (comparison - envy, jelousy)

Nevertheless if you run well you won’t really get tilted or annoyed, because those triggers won’t go out on a surface, they just gonna be hidden until some occasion. But when you start to run horrible and lose vs some aggro rec player, when you play doesn't work and you constantly get in terrible situations. That’s where it comes into play! Thats the time you go on a tilt mode and instantly blow with anger.

For sure felt rusty, felt under the weather, not playing perfectly and angry because of that. Lost sense of game and got emotional.
Nothing of above is bad, nothing from I wrote is a bad or ''negative'' things. It is just experience troughout the day, with emotions and feelings. Don't want to label it :)
Today I re-read some parts of my journal, actually seems like very smart thoughts and ideas there, it is super nice to go over them and remind myself. For example if I catch heater I can absolutely forget everything and take it as a granted, I can start finding happiness in winning pots and crushing other players. Of course at some point card distribution is changing and now I don't have more happiness because I am losing, right?
In April I wrote that I will play just to have fun and click some buttons in my way. Not gonna try to make best possible plays or try to outplay everyone and make their life tough, nahh not my plan. Feels like at somepoint I become too serious about the game and everything and need to tell myself - ''Hey, what about fun and enjoyment?''

Tomorrow I will play, poker brings me enjoyment and a feeling of
satisfaction. Not always happy though but happiness is not a
destination, right? I am not gonna sit and play to make best decisions
possible and that gonna translate to happy emotions. No, I am just
gonna play because I like it and find it super interesting.

Good luck to everyone, see you at the 31st. Stay healthy and don't forget to fool around a bit

#13
Will follow up with the graph. Recently I experienced some upswing and heat, this month turned around (also got back at untracked site :D). Had many interesting sessions and days:

Today, one of them - played a long session (with a break of course) with one recreational player. At first he seemed like absolutely the worst - 90|10 with low 3bet and stationery tendency. Limping and calling everything, doing standard random stuff. I got a lot of notes from him and labelled him as passive. He lost money and ran it back and after an hour his game started to change. No he still was limping 90% of hands but his aggression ramped up and sometimes he did absolutely out of the league calls like calling mid pair on 4 flush + 4 straight 2 times. But! I runned few bluffs against him and he was actually folding, especially if the bluff is big and threatening a lot of money. And even though he managed to not show many bluffs, his aggression on the river was over the roof. Additionally with massive bets (from 80% to 130%). Don’t know but it is so tough and tilting to play vs him and he ran quite good. By any means I don’t think his style of winning money is just pure annoyance and even in the last 30 minutes I seriously considered changing my strategy. Kinda felt like it was free money and why can't I get it!!! 90|10 style with limp calling like 80% of hands.
However I observed, and found some interesting things: 1) he is using good sizing and putting pressure where he needs to 2) he is capable of thin valuebets and merge bets which cut possibilities of overbluff catching 3) also he uses some lines which are very uncommon, like donking river for small size.

#12 Quick update:
Will not post the graph this time, because I already looked at ‘’wrong time’’ a few times. Basically when things were quite bad + I was tilted I opened it to see - how I am doing.
Couple of days in a row I was slightly more lucky, before I was unlucky and overall some swings occurred in May. I am quite hesitant to play nl2000 unless it has very weak opponents and the game really presents itself with a silver lining. To be honest - I am scared to lose big in those games and be upset/negative and moody. For sure it is not easy to maintain yourself when in one session you can either win a lot or lose a lot and probably not be able to recover from it shortly.

However I am playing some nl000 games and sometimes feel inspired and interested in those games. I like it and enjoy it a lot. Avoiding reg wars and high variance games because I don’t consider myself as a strong reg and besides it is working for me. Some people really need it to get more motivation, to improve; for me I am motivated like that and have a desire to learn more, observe and study while playing.

Sometimes I also have days when I don't want to play and feel like poker is not so interesting, but fortunately very rarely.

#11
Table: 'Las Palmas' 5-max (real money) Seat #1 is the button
Seat 1: Incognito 1 (413€)
Seat 2: Incognito 2 (460.08€)
Seat 3: Me (583.16€)
Seat 4: Incognito 4 (609.93€)
Seat 5: Incognito 5 (60€)
[b]ANTE/BLINDS[/b]
Incognito 2 posts small blind 2€
Me posts big blind 4€
Dealt to Me
[AC] [5D]
[b]PRE-FLOP[/b]
Incognito 4 folds
Incognito 5 folds
Incognito 1 raises 6€ to 10€
Incognito 2 folds
Me calls 6€
[b]FLOP[/b]
[4D] [6C] [3C]
Me checks
Incognito 1 bets 11€
Me raises 19€ to 30€
Incognito 1 raises 36€ to 66€
Me [b]TURN[/b]
[4D] [6C] [3C] [10S]
Me checks
Incognito 1 checks
[b]RIVER[/b]
[4D] [6C] [3C] [10S] [9H]
Me bets 115.50€
Incognito 1 calls 115.50€
[b]SHOW DOWN[/b]
Me shows
[AC] [5D] (High card : Ace)
Incognito 1 shows
[10C] [8S] (One pair : Tens)
Incognito 1 collected 382€ from pot

This hand left some bad feelings after I played it. Think that it is certainly impossible to be happy there before knowing the results. Have reasons for bluffing and have reasons for giving up. Without going into strategy (BU player is reg, at least he used auto top up) some situations made me frustrated. It is like you give up ''good'' spots for bluff, and bluff ''bad'', and after you switch to more aggressive mode in order to not feel again that stupid.
However when you start bluffing more you might feel stupid again because you try hard and it is not going that well. Maybe after will bluff less and stupid feeling of playing too passive comes up again.

It is like no matter what you do - always gonna be unhappy unless you get the results you wanted.
And it can happen all the time, when there is uncertainty - there is room for blame, perfection, frustration, happiness and contentment….

But to be fair, everything is pretty reasonable. With money pressure, time stress, fears, overthinking, anxiety about the future and lack of confidence - quite hard to nail down everything right. Something can be missed and analyses can also be incorrect, besides easy to make mistake thinking that something is suppose to be like I think. If I really love some movie I might already have bias that average person will also like it, because it is good movie, right?

p.s. though there is really big positve thing in being frustrated and feeling stupid. It is giving me energy, desire and adds power to improve and learn.

#10
Had quite an aggressive mood today and played very splashy. Made few big bluffs and two last ones got called(before I forget already). Which was bit unexpected. However I can't make any assumptions or conclusion. Actually getting called in those situations is good overall, because it opens up for opportunities and possibilities.
Generally speaking, getting called light is hard emotionally for me but in terms of strategy is good. So there are pros and cons.
When people call you light? That's a good situation to start value bet thinly and other players are gonna have an itch to call those big bets... Don't remember but someone told, when he do something tricky and use massive size - people bluffcatch pretty much same % and might even more than versus normal size; he mentioned some flush board. When you super polarise yourself there any(almost) flush blocker becomes positive and can be justified for calling. Quite funny to be honest

In poker it is super easy to do something too much: 1)bluff too much 2)call too much
3)fold too much 4)be creative too much 5)fight back too much
How to draw balance? Well guess it is impossible and not really needed as well. Everyone thinks in their own way and has their perception of you based on their knowledge, feelings, and intuition.
I noticed that I am quite negative and toxic this week. I have solid reasons of course to be like that. And my state is absolutely normal. Just want to point out - even if you know that something is not ideal - maybe you need to accept it fully and not try to change to something better. Let's sometimes be the most toxic and negative person in the world. Of course not everywhere but can vent out and even go beyond that.

Wish every one of you health and good luck, if you aren’t perfect or ideal, that's totally okay. If you don’t play nl1000, that's okay and doesn’t mean you are worse by any means than the person who plays. You have your own talents and super qualities :)

#9
So far this month, honestly I feel like experiencing quite mediocre run since the start. Lost everything at nl1000, nl500~0. Which doesn't tell anything to be fair. Didn't have any heat which also doesn't tell much.

Actually Can't tell anything
Can't make any statement
Can't complain about runbad

#8
Hello!
Today I will post some random hands and also will write something:D

1.Runbad (pretty sure I suppose to lose here all money almost always, considering runout, so nothing interesting).

2.Poker is alive

3.Poker is alive#2

Last 2 hands is versus very very recreational player. For some reason however he is always valuebetting river big size with value. And bluff with smaller sizes. Guess he go on a tilt there and decided to gamble.
Actually another thing is important to catch some luck, that guy in the last hand had AA and he got lucky there, really strong hand and faced spew line. Thats a luck!

Quite often I see players like that; imo poker is profitable and have money to make. Imagine some splashy guy at nl2k and in one session you can make 5BI. Of course need to be lucky but expectations gonna be extremely high.
Don't know but I am quite enjoying playing and studying, feels very interesting most of the time and makes me happy (often).

#7
I had a short vacation at the start of the month. Labour day and weekend. Spent very good time in a hotel near the beach, swimming in the sea, drinking some rum and fully relaxing. Didn't think anything about poker or overthinking about the future. Such a pleasure and fun! But time went so fast, that's the only negative side which I recall :)
Don't know but I have a feeling that I have quite many days off and vacation. Almost every month and here and there. What's my opinion? Well, it is pretty decent. Seems better than rush and play everyday without a break. Not only is it causing burn out but drastically reduces quality of life. I know people who are really good at grinding and playing a lot bring them success, but I am the opposite. Whenever I play a lot, I actually start to do worse. If I remember all my most winning months they are without a ton of volume and playing hours (which could be coincidence).

Today I played the 2nd day this month. I Feel that my brain is slow and overall games aren't easy. Struggling and spewing. Which is not a negative thing, certainly I would prefer spewing over being too accurate and tidy. Before taking vacation I've read a lot of stuff in poker forums, even too much I believe. Which is for sure not productive, but there are big positive things which are fuel. Reading everything - blogs, looking at other players' results and so on gave me a lot of motivation and interest, which I call fuel. Now I feel super motivated and excited. Like my love for the game increased even more. However, reading all the crap wasn't pleasant, though addictive!

I have been thinking about something recently. Observing, noticing and giving some time to process. Not sure if it is a thing or just nonsense without logic. There are some types of weak players which are really giving me a headache. I mean crushing by the red line and making me tilt and angry. They play very aggressive and give pressure everywhere. You don't even want to CBET into them because they're gonna raise and do more later street (donk or whatever). Of course these recreationals have lack knowledge, but I think they have a lot of fun while playing. What do I think? If they really knew what they were doing they would win. Their aggressive style is hard to cope with and if they make it ''good'', their opposition won't be able to do much. Even sometimes regulars know that the opponent is over bluffing, still some of them are gonna overfold. Because it is not comfortable, it is not pleasant, to play vs super aggro style. Besides, can use aggro image for thin valubets and ''to make life like hell'. I quite often see in anonymous games some aggro fish which basically destroys everything playing some crazy style. Of course he loses eventually with something stupid, but it is hard to play against.
Especially when I rely on GTO. GTO is good I think, but just for knowledge, not for use in real life. Those donks in 3B pots; Check/raises, donk bets everywhere....
But yeah, it is super hard to play like that and need to follow ranges very accurately.

Now it is time to do some studies. Good luck to everyone. Take it easy and don't call other players - ''villain'' ''opponent'', no they are just players like me. With their own goals, desires, story, problems, skills, mistakes....

April
Month was quite interesting. Played 2 weeks, took a planned vacation and played 1 more week at the end. If the first two weeks were tough and not luckiest, then last week was the opposite - heater. I faced some challenges and obstacles, was having a good time and also made super observations. Didn’t expect to win anything but overall showed decent profit.
Made some mistakes, herocalls, random bluffs and tried hard sometimes. Other times I was doing my thing and also experimenting a bit! Enjoying poker and happy to play :)

#####################################
Shot nl5000 - completely forgot and didn’t add in filters on stars, other rooms don’t have it anyway; thinking if I will continue to run so good I will add GG poker? Ah they don’t allow to bumhunt so I can't add it in order to shot nl5000 :( But I can add some other nl1000 games for sure!

Learn SRP SBvsBB; analyse 2 spots BUvsBB and spend a few hours on psychology - all study goals are missed. Think I didn’t just have time on it. Too much spent in GTO wizard and in general seems like playing trainer and other stuff eat everything (which is okay though, at the end of the month I started to get to SBvsBB but less than 30% done)

Want to take one micro-low stakes player and help him on his way up (not done yet)
Will take few psychology sessions in coming months (not done yet)

#####################################

Key thoughts:
1. Moody/toxic and irritated. How actually much it affects my life. For how long I have been having it. What makes me annoyed (is it big/small; very important; personal). Negative approach
2. Serious attitude vs easy approach. Even though a serious attitude towards many things might look productive and beneficial, it might not be the case. Serious is not always good and have downsides (for example less happiness and satisfaction which are important)
3. Happiness and enjoyment. Happiness over monetary results. Actually I love poker more because of its beauty rather than money.
4. Benefit of challenges and obstacles. Finding positive things in it.
5. Emotional poker. I am emotional and that’s totally normal to be frustrated, happy, excited, sad.

Goals for next month:

1)Doing things at the table and observing
2)Learning from other players
3)Study SBvsBB, going over 4B pots theory
4)1 hour of psychology work each week in onenote

Also I have one thing to mention for me seems like there are few type of days are possible:
First - heater, everything is easy and going my way. Game smooth and things I am doing is working
Second - neutral, uneventful day
Third - winning/losing/winning/losing … Swingy one
Forth - nothing works, tough and impossible to do anything
Fifth - absolutely get crushed, by everybody and feeling that I don’t know how to play

#6

Next results update is going to be at the end of the month. Today I played quite a long session but not so many hands because I decided to focus my attention vs vip player. Got quite tired at the end and just quit. Whatever.
He had a stack of 300bb and at first he seemed absolutely crazy. But after some time I realised he doesn't really like to bluff big/multiple streets. He is stationary and tilty after losing. Preflop he can jam/call garbage when tilted. Trying to play tricky with strong hands. When winning he is more careful preflop. Anyways just observation, recreational players are different

So far this month my results are breakeven. This week and last playing week also feels breakeven. For sure less heater than before and more money dumping from my side. Well, I can be happy that I am not losing a lot and maintain some stability (phew'), though swings are not easy.
First priority is enjoying playing and bluffing opponents, catching bluffs and doing some debatable things. Money is not important, we can win, we can lose, but it won’t buy happiness (long term at least). Now study time

volume 8/10 happiness 8/10 motivation 9/10 perfomance 11/10

#5
Back from a 9 day vacation. Time flies really fast and it's hard to catch it. Was enjoying time away from poker, spending time outdoors, using the computer and phone less than an hour a day and getting my mind rested. Almost no overthinking and worrying, just being in the moment and focusing on now. Happy times :)

Had quite a bit of travel in the last 2 weeks, resulting in a bit of jet lag. Even in the morning I felt out of myself (like feeling you wake up in the middle of the night, but it is actually morning) and go to sleep again. Maybe it is also because caught little bit of flu or other virus. But last Sunday I came back to Thailand. Not even sure I enjoy it after all, I love poker and possibilities with games here. But other than that feels not so happy and not so wonderful. Spend more than 1 year straight and many months before. Well I have feeling it is not most suitable country for me, I love people and many other things here but something missed.....
Besides missing family, friends, and feeling of being home. Can't tell this place home!

Played 6 hours this week. Starting slow and getting into the game, not pushing too hard at first. Especially when feeling jet lagged and not clear. Today spend quite a bit of time playing vs trainer in order to get more repetition and practise. Of course done some mistakes and got tired of the end but process is going.

Plan for next days is to go over hands in GTOwizard, look spots where I made EV mistakes and look how people deviate from optimal there. Where I can get something or do something. After will just dive deeply into SBvsBB SRP. Tough situation and very important.
That's the plan! Step by step, slowly going with studies. Also going with playing. Tomorrow I will try to hit 5 hours! If good nl1000 games will pop up I am gonna join. Let's see what the rest of the week brings. So far not so lucky.

Thinking about some situation, I don't know the answer but it is interesting for me. For example we have the situation 3BET SBvsBU. We CBET flop and on the turn we are for sure confident that have overfold EQUITY%. SO we can barrel more bluffs. That's good but BU calls us and now we are on the river. We have a wanky ratio VALUE:BLUFF and can't bluff everything. What if BU PLAYER see that I gave up bluff (normal bluff combo)? Is it a good thing or not? How is he gonna approach/think about it?
1. Will he start adjusting?
2. Will he just not take any big consideration?
3. Will he think that I don't expect enough folds and not bluff?
Seems quite confusing and can raise levelling thinking

#4
Going on a 1 week vacation, no poker or anything related to it. Time to get some rest and enjoy life. It seems like a lot of free time but I am gonna be occupied in that period. Have places to visit, things to catch and stuff to do. Quite excited about it, even though I feel a little bit upset that I won't be able to play for some time and that I won't be able to undo my mistakes and show my best at the tables in the coming days. Have feeling that I need more time to chase loses, missplays and …. For example if you play some computer game (like dota) and you lose a game just before turning off the PC. The itchy feeling of playing a little bit more to win might come to you. Don’t know what it is called but there is some negative sediment inside.

Uploaded my hands to GTOWizard, made quite a few mistakes in 4bet pots. They are quite hard to play and sometimes illogical. For sure there can be a lot of edge there because people in general don’t study it or play well. I think computers will crush humans so badly in that situation. Mistakes are costly and as I mentioned, hard to play and navigate, especially as a caller. For aggressor in general you either valuebet and trying to put all money in, or bluffing. And with bluffs it is not the most difficult play.

I have a feeling that I punted decently this month. Tried hard to win and made some questionable plays. Bluffed big and sometimes without much sense. That’s not a bad approach or making me feel too bad. It is what it is. Sometimes you try hard to win and it pays off, other times it is just dumping bb away. When you play aggressively you will have a lot of swings in the short term. But if you do things right, long term you will have less! Hope it does make sense

GLLLLL
LET'S GET BACK SOON AND DO SOME STUPID STUFF
Like this one oO

#3

This month has not been good in terms of monetary results. Losing a few BI and not getting lucky (yes, complaining that no more luck!!!!). Even though I feel like it is not such a bad run, just something is not there. Some bluffs not working, some calldowns not working, some situations I have to give up and other times just didn’t quite get there.
After winning for 4 months straight, losing becomes frustrating. Challenges make me stressed and when other players fight back I start to tilt. For me personally losing was always hard, when I was kid, in school and in university. Painful, frustrating and makes me feel miserable. Like I did something wrong, didn't try hard enough and can be really guilty afterwards. In poker you can lose differently - you can lose by making a great play or you can lose by doing something which you aren’t exactly sure of. And that uncertainty is really what is getting to me, because I am that type of person, uncertainty always feels like my fault and mistake. Blame myself and things around :(

This week also I noticed that I am negative and toxic(well I noticed it before but today was AHA moment), quite moody and unsatisfied. Super easy to get annoyed, irritated and angry. Though it has always been like that but now the picture is getting clearer (more feedback). When I had bad results last year it was of course because of variance. Which is uncontrollable so nothing to be done there. But another thing which stands for me now is that last year I was quite negative, angry and like having a passive tilt inside. For some people it can affect regular life a bit, including work/studies and other areas (health…). It is okay to be negative and annoyed sometimes but you know it has to have a reason. If the reason is too small and not important it is something to take note of.
What I was angry about today? Hm I did a few plays which didn’t work. I was annoyed with losing and that players won vs me without a showdown. I was angry that I can’t really play calmly and A-game. Was irritated that I didn’t know what to do in certain situations. Angry that I couldn't play perfectly and etc…
Those reasons are totally reasonable and ok. They of course have meaning behind them and are supposed to be important for me since poker is my main occupation. It's okay to have emotions! My approach is always emotional poker and life in general. Just want to accept it and live fully in it.
In life also. What am I angry about? That my schedule is a bit moving. That somebody is distracting me. That someone didn’t text me in the morning and …. That my computer glasses were a bit dirty…. That I need to do something, need to do XYZ if I don’t do that's unacceptable
Also okay to be like that! Accepting it and taking it into consideration. Not blocking, not trying to leave it/block it/rid of it. Think way to be less angry is actually acceptance and letting those emotions fully. Let myself angry and let is flow into me, noticing it sometimes ‘“ OH I FEEL ANGRY, maybe because of XYZ’’ ‘’BUT IT IS OKAY, EMOTIONS ARE PART OF MY LIFE’’ ‘’WILL FIND MYSELF AND PEACE IN IT’’

When I was playing poker it was quite a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes angry, sometimes I really want to fight back and sometimes I am really calm and focused, sometimes I am so stressed, sometimes I feel like the game is not so hard. Hehe! All can be in one day “)
Though I want to write: if I am playing too aggressively or trying to win spots too much it is not necessarily bad. Sometimes banana bluffs work and bizarre lines also. And it is a great feeling when you do something illogical and the next player folds.
Also I feel so motivated towards poker. I write a lot of bad stuff in this journal. I mean things which I don’t like and some mindset issues. Like: I was tilted today, blah blah blah
Like: had a bad session, …….

Good things in my life: 1)I am healthy, everything is good in my personal life. Environment is great! Leisure is awesome
2)Motivated and inspired towards poker. A lot of energy and strength
3)I really love poker. After around 16-20 years when I first played it. I really enjoy it. I love it so much that playing it actually tends to bring me happiness. There were days when I felt bad in the morning before playing and after finishing playing, studies, exercise, everything become good and felt also great inside ( in brain, in my soul)

P.s. I forget the really important thing which is also SUPERB. When I was losing today, at some point I started to feel really calm, really focused and in the zone. Nothing bothered me, nothing was important, I felt good inside, I felt strong and above everything (not other players, above losing)

#2

Arrived home 3 days ago. Already played 2 days. What can I tell? I didn’t expect that everything was going to be tough and difficult as it is. Honestly I thought I could continue where I left off, pretty much keeping my head straight and showing my knowledge. Making good plays, smart decisions, and sometimes mistakes here in there.
But reality is different - I am not used to my old set up and even my old schedule. Stressed more often, overthinking, trying too hard (perfection). Obviously it is frustrating, even some basic decisions like defending range BUvsBB I struggle a bit. Because I can't remember and I didn’t like that. My brain sometimes is slow and stunned. Easily end up making range mistakes and logic errors. Good players can exploit it!

Besides, I have to play chico, ipoker and some other room. Which is by any means not making me happy at all. Euro rooms aren’t available, ohh I miss the good old times in the past. Everything was so easy and simple back then… Most rooms were available, far more action and so much convenience.
Now more angry, frustrated, annoyed with things around. Which is not such a healthy attitude I think.

From positive notes - I am eager to study and play. Inspired, motivated, a bit happy and sometimes really focused. There are a lot of opportunities and a lot to be grateful of. I quite often forget to focus on good things and find all negatives around and take note of that. Also my expectations are a bit high and I am trying too hard as well. Both of this is regular for me.

Considering everything going around, shouldn’t expect good results or great quality of my play. But I like to play and enjoy it. Feel like game bring me some missing parts and it makes me fulfilled and satisfied.
Good luck to everyone and be grateful for what you have!

Tilting even can't post hand properly since Wizard doesn't make screenshots (probably because of the country restrictions, not their fault).
Made a range call vs rec. Vs 16%; 33%; 100% sizing (river was blank). Which looking by his sizing scheme now doesn't seem that good. But in game decided to call everything which was possible to call. Too many random hands in his range and value aren't playing like that often

Before going home, good luck next week

#1

From now on I am gonna numerate my posts, finding it more convenient whenever I want to reread my blog. Also looks cool!

Month update:

Played 2 days this month so far, running good but losing. Which can be weird right? Yes, I am not joking you can be running decently but still end up losing some amount bb (not because different limits also)!
My mind is not in the best place for now because of the travel, so it is gonna affect my game. 2 more days to play this week and tomorrow I'm gonna play early in the morning.

Two hands:
There were 2 memorable hands of this month. At least they are still in my memory, however in a couple of days I will absolutely forget them. They are both kinda splashy and super random. Especially one hand which is played most likely by emotions, though it makes me feel a bit happy which is good. Second one also played how I wanted to play.

Not gonna post 1 because it is too embarrassing. It is in 4 bet pots EP vs MP. I was a preflop aggressor and 4bettor. Had overpair AA on the middle board. Made an interesting slowplay and donk jammed the river as a merge/bluff. Completely lost any logic and sense in that hand. In theory the hand is not supposed to be played like that and river jam only fish can do. Another thing if the caller is playing releasing equity strategy on the flop than checking flop and turn is not so good.

Was a bit driven by emotions though and wanted to smash/crush there. You know? Try hard to make big play every pot. Didn’t work since I runned into 2nd nuts which by the way never suppose to be there

hand2
This hand I just wanted to call a river. I don’t care that he probably needs to turn flushes into a bluff. Probably optimally my hand is supposed to bet fold almost always, especially because we also can’t bluff pretty much and our value range is nut flush+.
Man, I was so curios and felt like - ohh boy, what you have there? Really TT and KK?

In both of those hands, other players might think that I am fish and dont know what I was doing. Second one I imagine he smiled a lot and felt really good inside. It is a situation that he should really get many herofolds from thinking players. Actually in his shoes I would run a bluff at least sometime. But not sure, maybe I wouldn’t. If people are not folding nut flush, that's a line to get value and fold everything. But you never get samples or information.
Do I think those hands are very well played? Nope
Do I think I should’ve played differently ? Nope
Do I like my plays? Yes I do
Did I learn something? Absolutely and also I made observations