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Jeff_

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Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

Okay, February pretty much continues the January trend. Quite tilting, angry, annoyed, frustrated, having a heavy head and a lot of emotions. It is hard to quit tables, hard to deal with losing!
Well, it is not how I wanted it to be, but if I didn’t change anything what else I must expect? Yes, if you run ‘‘hot’’ you're gonna feel nice, ‘‘negative emotions’’ will be buried and won’t go on a surface much. Just sometimes and with less degree.
Keep working and observing!

Regarding emotions, actually they are not bad at all and make sense. I’m looking to understand them slightly better and experience them fully. No resistance or avoidance. Would be great to balance the sphere of feelings and the sphere of thought, finding peace and comfort between them. That would help to deal with stress and worries. It is quite an interesting topic and very deep. Everything interconnects in the body - thought, emotions, actions.
Ruminating as well or being stressful, it can come pretty easily and also can go away (not as easy but possible).
Think I’m on a way, with observing and understanding, accepting and moving on. Maybe not, who knows.

One observation I made: the game is very tilting if it is with aggressive recreational player, his style is annoying and difficult to play against, his run is good and nothing works from my side. How many times have I got into a situation like that and felt so overwhelmed with emotions. Impossible to quit and big desire to win, all kinds of tilts and frustration. Today I got into that game again and fortunately (because I noticed it) I lost pretty much 80% of spots vs him. He called me light when I was bluffing (but he wasn't a big station), he bet every time I didn’t have anything and avoided my slowplay. Dodged all bullets and ran over everybody. Damn, that game made me so hot headed and boiled. No bluffcatched are worked and he also bet thin for whole pot. Haha, everything to make you tilt!

I have another spot vs recreational player. He is not a station and haven’t seen him playing bad, he seemed rather knowing what he is doing.

Lastly, I didn't do anything. Didn’t add any room or play higher than 600 in other rooms. Feeling already heated and battling, takes all energy. Monday I felt non motivated or interested. Yesterday I felt super motivated and inspired. Today I’m too attached and losing is twice harder. Nothing to tell, just standard poker week.

Good luck!
Don't forget to enjoy playing and studying (saying to myself as well, it is difficult to do)

Feb. 5, 2025 | 11:03 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

I played Friday, studied till late afternoon on Saturday and fully rested Sunday. Today I came back to play. Felt so tired and like I can't think at all. Every decision is hard and thinking is very slow and also difficult. Opposite of being fresh and sharp. Usually after the weekend and day off I feel very good and fresh. More emotional energy and the brain is easy to concentrate and has a lot of power. Today is not like that. Some spots made me realize I don’t know what to do at all and which decision is better to take. Even breaks and reducing the amount of action didn’t help fully.

Well, looking back at Sunday I didn’t do anything outstanding. Didn’t sit in front of my laptop a lot or do other tiring activities. Ohh, wait, I did overthink (not poker) recently which certainly can cause lack of energy. Besides, I have been stressed and pushed a bit too much in the past days and weeks. Also can cause burn out.

Okay, okay, everything has a reason. Can see myself not really motivated or involved for now. Also not having fun or enjoying it!
Harder to make decisions and take all information and strategy into account while playing.

Feb. 3, 2025 | 10:32 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

January

Win little from untracked and lost a little from H2N (missed hands or etc). Overall pretty close to this picture

This month I played a lot of hours and studied as well. Sometimes I even tried too hard, which affected the quality of my life and happiness. Being very productive and running from task to task without enough rest.
Two times I checked the results after continuously losing. Was difficult and pretty hard. There were moments with really unfortunate outcomes and it stuck to me. Made me feel unlucky and a victim. Why am I losing? This is very unfair? He is running so pure!
One poker room also felt bizarre and it got on my nerves.
Accumulated a lot of emotions during the days and weeks. Actually I read my journal and so many days were irritated, stressed, tilted, angry, worried and so on. Like you put everything on the line and this matters the most! That attitude is not necessarily bad at all, just taking a lot of energy and generally tough.

Now good moments: ran quite well at nl1000 (at least it felt that way and all winning from there pretty much); good feeling towards the poker and mood; a lot of motivation and energy (but I spent a lot as well); physically also felt great!
Had tough sessions and nicely played hands. Worked (not only alone) on mindset and psychology. Accepted mistakes, losing.
Observed resistance, thoughts, overall emotional state, joy from playing.
Will keep working and learning poker, study psychology, sometimes rest and do unproductive things, learn from other players, and be mindful.

Good luck to everyone, Stay healthy

Thoughts and ideas:
Mistakes are great, it is an opportunity to learn. I’m studying
Simplifying strategy if playing multiple tables. Play as simple as possible
Resistance towards losing (time, money, opportunities)
Losing doesn’t mean failure or bad luck, it is part of the game and mathematically correct state

Goals for next month:
1. Try and see how I feel and how things will go
2. Study and learning poker, look common spots, look mistakes, look ranges and watch other players
3. Reflection, talk with myself, experiencing emotions and accepting

Feb. 1, 2025 | 8:45 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

It is the fifth week of January. It doesn’t feel to me like this month is going too slow or it is too long. Even a bit out of time. Days changing each other, weeks… Things are pretty much the same and can’t distinguish days.
Poker looks unlucky, but again if you ask me about recent days and weeks. And especially after sessions! Overall I can’t complain about the luck, because for sure I got heater last year and things were in my favour. Highest stakes went well and the action was very good.
Just many cold runs and tilting spots and situations recently. That’s annoying and frustrating. More while playing of course, after can reflect and head is more clear so thinking much more consciously.
Understanding and accepting!

Had an observation that during the second session I felt unable to take a break after one hour. So much resistance and desire to keep playing without rest. Damn, emotions must be very strong if thinking is completely out of order. There is so little point to keep playing, pretty much taking a break and having a rest is superior. But well, it is so hard! Chasing losses and good action are quite strong arguments to forget about everything.
Sometimes as well would like to rest during the game, just close eyes and visualise something calm and peaceful. This one I use, but also not always and likely not enough.
Hmm, maybe taking a short break is considered - giving up?
Well in the first session of the day it is never a problem….

I started to get in touch with one of my contacts about anything related to mind games. Let’s go! Enough of avoiding it and thinking that things are good as it is and I can fix it myself. Let’s work on that.
I didn’t play any nl2k games this month and didnt have any desire as well. I'm a bit afraid of losing there and overall too pessimistic about my game (at least it reduces my ego), and also no game which I saw running (hah I have 2k filter only on stars). Damn, that’s also demotivating.
Good thing I observed it and can reflect as well. Maybe talk to myself and put some notes there. I said in a previous message that things actually can go really well and emotionally, yes, it is gonna be super difficult but avoiding it is going to make poker flavourless, also not a solution. Have a lot in my head to be honest. Many thoughts, many ideas…. Phew, too heavy weight
Enough for today, just drop one information about how difficult can be game:

1 Level - just one table of 6-max or 9-max, not difficult nor very aggressive, also feeling fresh and interested;
2 Level - few tables of 6-max or 9 max with good emotional state and being fresh; HU-table; difficult (annoying) 3 max; stressed, slightly tired, annoyed and feared;
Also when: no action at all; winning and running hot;
3 Level - Very high stakes game; tired, tilted, very angry; losing everywhere; a lot of difficult close decisions with mistakes already made; many tables and already stressed;
4 Level - incredible bad run; losing vs one player and getting crushed by; tired and hot headed; accumulated emotions during the day

Somedays certainly after finishing the games - feel pretty good and others might feel super tired. Based on variance which defines how many difficult spots are gonna be and how hard situations are. For example you can get one tough hand in a long time, or hand after hand. Possible get good situations to bluffcatch and lose almost everywhere or get bluffed…

Lastly I was thinking during cleaning the room, about rooms. Thought after thought I said to myself it is not bad at all to heavily bumhunt GG because they don’t care about regulars and no much opportunities there since the room already got rid of HS games. Next I could conclude that even cheating won’t be bad since they don’t need regulars and throw you under the bus in any case (or if you play too good and win too much). Next I asked ‘‘why they should even care’’ - regs are pretty much predators. Next I started to think about generally being a bad job and not producing anything.
After I did compare a bit with computer games and that some recreational players have a lot of money and just want to play for fun and enjoyment, they wouldn’t be that excited if it was some priceless chips. To bluff other players and win. Yeah, I think too much for sure

Curious what you guys thinking about players who bumhunt?
Let's say on pokerstars, gg, applications for example? Will opinion change based on site?

Jan. 29, 2025 | 11:06 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

Another week has passed. It was an interesting one and no doubt hard. I didn’t run well nor terribly, some moments were bad and some good. Just normal variance I suppose, can’t complain much or go deeper into that. Of course it would be easier if everything was smooth but it is not about poker. Those swings make it interesting and uncertain. Sometimes I can feel bad running and other times I really feel like I am very lucky and I'm hot. Have different periods: you crush, you get crushed, in between. Also, can add a few more variations to that.
Main point I wanted to say: it can be quite easy and quite hard. No need to make a conclusion after one session, one day, one week …

At some point during this week I didn’t know what to study. Like a moment when you don’t know what to do and that hesitation feels annoying and brings discomfort for wasting time. Didn’t have an exact plan or idea but fortunately during the end of the week I found a direction to go and what needs to be done for now. Well I don’t know so many things in poker or play well, just sometimes not exactly sure where to put focus and attention. To which areas and topics. Obviously I don't want to waste time doing unproductive things. Because it's gonna bring guilt and blame.

Additionally during this week, I spent some time thinking and stressing/worrying about overall strategy. Thinking about what should work better and what I can change, where to deviate, what approach to take. Obviously those thoughts are quite difficult and unpleasant, especially if they ruminate a bit. Good thing that I also found few possibilities to go and see what will happen. Honestly not super sure about that and uncertainty also not make me happy. But I can try. Essentially just moving in the same direction I’ve been before. There are no ‘‘aha ’’ moments or great discoveries. Just a couple ideas - might be good and might not. Time will tell!

Lastly, I want to remind myself about taking risks (again). It is nice to try and who knows what is gonna happen. Doesn’t mean that something bad is gonna occur, it can totally be an excellent and awesome thing. Also time to think about adding poker rooms, action is getting dry. At one room I am going close to 0 balance, for sure I've been losing little by little over many months. Well, though nothing to tell because volume there is ridiculously low but in my memory over 6 months seems like nothing has worked and everyone is too good. Both are true, nevertheless. Maybe accumulated memories and mistakes. Time to let it go!

Jan. 25, 2025 | 1:09 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

Hello super1234,

Certainly everything you mentioned is helping, just time passing by also helps. Maybe not as much as I would want, but slowly and step by step. After some time emotions become smaller and less attached, next - clear thinking coming back and logic, after can let go of the past and move on. Unfortunately in my experience it is hard to speed up that process, if short breaks - they might be helpful very little because just not enough time and emotions are too strong, while break also might ruminate and go over them in the head. Exercise is a lot better, because it takes your mind fully and brings something else.

Another thing I noticed last year and during the past times is a positive mindset. It is easier to deal with anger, frustration, and other ‘‘negative emotions’’, easier to accept mistakes and ‘‘bad results’’. It makes sense to me, because you can always look bright in the future and expect things to turn around. Yeah, you have a bad session now, and it is tilting but you can feel and see in the future everything is gonna be good. That gives you power and mental strength. While if you ‘‘negativity’’ it will demoralise you even more and might trigger ‘‘victim mindset’’ or ‘‘everything is terrible’’.
I wrote to myself multiple times to look at what's going on with a positive side and accept it, open minded attitude,
but easier said than done. Especially because I am catastrophic and negative in general. That could be a reason why sometimes losing is so difficult and ruins me completely. Just I don’t see anything bright in the future and short term results also don’t bring any happiness and hope. It is like hitting you twice (or even three times). And if accumulated emotions might hit even 4 times harder.

On the other hand, if they are way too positive, then they might be more lazy and have apathy towards playing and studying. It is not so clear and probably good to have balance in those.

I am comparing myself to last year a bit, which is not exactly correct. Situation is different and past as well, also the current game state. Games are harder and even if I had an edge (which I don’t think), with time it will disappear. If I was lucky (which I think) then it can’t always be like that. Also less games and it is annoying! Holiday season was very action packed, and now it is becoming dry again.

Anyway, I don’t see any reason why I don’t work with any specialist, there is nothing to hold or protect (keep). And no need to believe that things are perfect now and my game or mindset is very good. Yeah, good to feel that way and far less comfortable to know that you have many areas to improve and work.
Sometimes it is really hard to look ahead in the future with goodwill… Well, at least I said it and was reminded.
Good luck to everyone -

Jan. 20, 2025 | 10:53 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

So tilting and annoying today. I haven’t had a day like that in a while and to be fair, the tilt accumulated from previous days that’s why it burst out today. In an absolutely perfect world probably should’ve just stopped playing at all after 1st session, but due many circumstances had to continue. Was happy to drop all tables except one and just patiently play it. If I play more - there will be more mistakes, more stress and tilt gonna increase. I’m not good at focusing on many things.

Started losing at one poker room, after it changed to another. And losing was continuous, not just a few big pots. Actually my main room I was losing for a couple days already and that accumulated overtime - coinflips, missplays and mistakes, coolers and so on.
So fed up with that! Can’t put myself anywhere.
After a cold run, It moved towards my 2nd room and the main room became lucky again. Coolers, bad beats and a bunch of close spots. I was already heated a bit so for sure dumped somewhere I could've made another choice.
I wouldn’t say it was extremely horrible, just in my head it became like that based on passive tilt.
Well I took a long break after the first session and kept playing, which was essentially whatever. Losing is too hard to take for me personally. Overtime I improved but for sure not how I wanted it to be. It is my weak side to be emotional and too affected by session results. Besides, I also watched my monthly results which I didn’t do during the session and before the end of the month. That’s already something which tells me my mindset is not great. And I don’t feel like the tilt is going anywhere. Still inside annoyed, angry and incredibly productive. Anger built extreme motivation and productivity, gave a lot of physical power and stamina. Feel like I played all day with concentration and high focus.

Not much to say and to do more:
Gonna reflect on all that happened recently (lower expectations and accepting whatever will come)
Study a bit
Take a few hours off and sleep
Tomorrow playing
No more than 2 tables and if getting heated, drop to one. Forgetting about results and everything which comes with idealisation and perfectionism. Just playing as I can, I’ve tried enough for this month.

P.S. Feel like a fish and actually not a lot of joy and happiness, more stupid feeling and grudge and displeasure. Probably also became too serios and over caring. Let's see how it will go during this week and next. Goodluck >

Jan. 14, 2025 | 8:42 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

On a paper everything is so easy. Or we can convince ourself about future changes, easier to do something in the future than now.

Jan. 13, 2025 | 2:25 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

Starting 3rd week of January.
Not really running any good but playing somewhat ok-ish, even though making some spewy plays. Which in retrospect looks a bit too much. Like trying hard to win pots and not always paying attention to other things. It is alright though, trying is reasonable and it is an interesting approach, not always nice but not terrible as well. Though annoying that some plays don't work. Bananas bluffs and some illogical action from my side, increasing uncertainty and can make me feel quite stupid. Especially at last session.

Few nights I had dreams about poker, in those dreams I was losing. Yesterday I saw(in dream) some bizarre hand, where in the 3bet pot 3way I lost with quads to higher quads. Felt irritated and berated my opponent, but I am not even sure we played holdem. Think that dream was about my dissatisfaction with current results and run. While playing I found myself here and there thinking about variance and being unlucky. It is just a feeling, not based on logic. If I think logically, I was quite lucky in previous months and my volume isn’t that big. So I can’t tell anything bad about luck or variance. But at the exact moment it brings discomfort.

I had such a stupid hand recently, where I misread my FD+GS to FD+OESD and jammed it into nuts in the SPR spot, where it is a super clear fold. Solver showed a massive mistake and that hand was tilting. Honestly I didn’t realise that I had FD+GS till I looked solver. And it is pretty much the second time, in October I misread GS to OESD and called a big bet after a check raise (also big blunder). Not sure it is based on what, maybe I didn’t bother looking too much and wanted to play with my hands one way. Based on my feelings, not strategy.

After losing ‘‘negative’’ thoughts visited me. For example:
1)Why do I need to take time off from poker?
2)Why do people (close) distract me from playing and don't let me focus fully?
3)Why do I have to do XYZ and can’t do poker studies instead?
4)I don’t want to change environment and my surrounding
5)Why am I so stressed and easily emotional? It is so frustrating. Never getting any better! Angry at myself
5)Angry at paying bills, travels, and other expenses.
6)Angry that people (close) don’t understand me and what I am going through.
And some more….
Base idea - I want to play ideal (perfect) poker and don’t do anything else and not be distracted at all. I don’t want any change, absolutely nothing! I want my comfort zone and that everything goes on my side.

Seems okay, I want to win of course and good things around. Want certainty and good emotions (feelings) during the day. Feel confident, motivated, interested, focused, fresh, concentrated. Play good and don’t be affected by emotions. Want to be lucky and have a good amount of action. Want no issues and a smooth environment.
That's quite a fairytale or utopia.

When I write it, I kinda see many of those thoughts have something wrong with them, or they are too ideal and unreal. And not really many have strong fundamentals. Playing a lot doesn’t bring results I would want, same as studying. I’ve done it before and I have experience. Same about not wanting change - yes I don’t want to but if last year I didn’t change anything I would be in a different place and different person. Most likely less happy than now.
It is totally reasonable to have flaws in self-talk and in thoughts, hard to always be clear in your mind. For sure impossible to suppress, block or get rid of emotions and feelings. It is good to wish nice things and luck, but important to understand that everything is uncertain and many things are not controllable. Sometimes things will be rough and in that time we can grow and improve, don't we want an easy walk? Also if it was too easy - is it gonna be interesting? If I play without stress and emotions - yeah might achieve more in the short term but will it be enjoyable and lovely as now?

Jan. 13, 2025 | 2:22 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

It is second week of January
Wanted to write about many things to be honest and for sure some of those I already forgot. Which is alright, in some moments of the day I might feel that one thing is really important and relevant but after a few hours my thoughts about it change.

During this week and especially today I started to feel quite a bit of tension and stress. Rush and desire to do everything. I notice it not only while playing but after the session and before as well. Like constant discomfort in my body, chasing for something, feeling unsatisfied and that something is unfinished. Which is interesting, because to be honest on paper it is supposed to be less stressful than previous months (not much going on or need to be done). Maybe uncertainty about the future and worry about upcoming events (later this year) brought anxiety and stress.
Today and yesterday I felt like losing is harder to take (let it go) and more annoying and irritating to me. Reflect on myself a bit - EGO part? expectations? What do I want? How do I feel about my level of the game? How do I talk about other players? Asking myself some questions and answering them. Didn’t find anything suspicious so something more inner and deep there. Some accumulated emotions, ‘‘negativity’’, resentment, discouragement and sadness. Feel like I like to accumulate everything overtime and it's easy to be overwhelmed.

When I have some ‘‘of those emotions’’ it is affecting how I am dealing with losing, or feeling about mistakes. Especially annoying losing, which can cause tilt. Today I felt heated a bit, how this term is called in english. When you slightly start to tilt and slowly it is going on your nerves. And your strategy is becoming more aggressive, you are willing to take risks and ready to play for big pots.
Let me bring an example, like playing Stefan in his prime. When pretty much every pot is big and everything is so loose. In that situation I assume most of his counterparts are becoming heated and willing to play back. It is like I am annoyed with you and ready to fight. That’s a very good strategy to make other players feel like that, because in that situation the edge between them might increase a lot. Aggressive poker will pay off generously. Obviously you have to be quite strong with mindset and experience with your strategy. I tried to play like that last year for one session in nl200, how did it go? I started to tilt myself! My strategy and approach was decent, however my mental game was not good enough and my emotions were strong.

I wanted to study 3bets pots a bit but feel like SPR BvB spots are making me so puzzled. Like I don’t know what to do, not sure how to proceed - which size to use and which exploits. And if you don’t know and try to think that's not only stressful but also more energy consuming. So I will study it this week. Hope will remember at least something!
Well on another part, I notice that trying hard to be balanced and play ‘‘GTO’’. After spending time with a trainer and wizard. Kinda looking at things one sided - from a balance approach only, not from how people will react and do. Just how to play vs machine.
Not knowing of course how the balance strategy is supposed to look and when approximately trying to be closish makes me mess up a lot. Spending energy, overthinking and can be unsatisfied with outcomes. Especially if it is losing one.
In that situation I sometimes go over the hands of some big winners who play exploitative style. Many of those hands actually I don’t like at all but being open-minded. Probably some have not played well, but the overall approach is good. Mental game I suppose too.

Tomorrow is a new day. Want to freshen up a bit and let some weight away (irritation, tension, annoyance). Accepting losing and mistakes (playing ideally is not possible and can't always be happy with outcomes), learning while playing and observing people's reactions.

Jan. 8, 2025 | 2:30 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Embracing Learning

Thank you! Good luck to you -
That's right it is not easy to deal with it, also I think it depends on the person. For some it might be more difficult. And I am in that camp.
Gonna use self-talk, mindfulness, reflection and ease myself up a bit from time to time. Also other activities and hobbies. Any other advice?

Jan. 8, 2025 | 1:48 p.m.

Post | Jeff_ posted in Chatter: Embracing Learning

This blog is a continuation to my last year's blog. I enjoyed doing it and liked it a lot, so there was no hard decision what to do - just continue. Hopefully I have grown as a person and as a poker player since the start of 2024. Learned a few lessons and got important experience. Maybe I improved a tiny bit and became slightly happier. If that’s the case then it is a big win, if not that’s alright too.

Was thinking a bit about names, there are few catchy ones and between those I chose one you can see above: embracing learning, challenging myself, taking risks. Actually I avoid any ego related names, because I don't want to boost myself or get some pride. Going under the radar and being humble feels more suitable for me.
And learning is what I think is the best and most interesting part about poker, there are so many things to study, so many areas, so many different strategies and paths. I know so little and it is exciting, because I have a lot to learn! Mistakes, wrong assumptions and ‘‘aha’’ moments, trial and practise, experience and experiments,
self reflection and new ideas.

I am not gonna tell my plans or long term goals. I do have them but not as before, I don’t remind myself of them too often or visualise anything. Just putting in the work and let’s see how it goes.
Kinda want to be adaptable and flexible as well during the time. Whether I can do it or not, I'm not sure.

Also being aware of ‘‘taking risks’’ and ‘‘challenging myself’’, this is quite important and I want to remind it. Too easy to fall into a comfort zone and become somewhat afraid of changes. It is not flexible and can cause stress and unhappiness. Yea, it is an interesting one and even though I think there will be big changes this year, I am already having ‘‘negative anticipation’’ and fear, worries. Nevertheless in my defence it is unstable in poker (life too) and that response is somewhat proper for humans. I saw one excellent regular playing nl500 and pretty much everything above (before gg changes I rarely saw him at 500). I think if poker had enough games he wouldn’t even bother to be at nl500 with his level but yeah, not so many games. Which also I should take in consideration while being open to risks.

One thing I stayed away from last year was ChatGPT, it is a useful tool for psychology and self reflection. Like an AI coach, with a lot of great insights.

Allright, let’s have some fun and enjoy the game. Poker is too interesting and amazing, playing is an absolutely incredible opportunity.
Good luck and stay healthy!

Time to click some buttons

Jan. 6, 2025 | 10:49 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

Thank you everyone, for all comments and insights, for reading, for likes, for making me better and for not writing much <3
So lovely, cheers ^^
Couple of hours left for me in 2024, time for celebration and rest.
Say farewell to 2024 and welcome 2025

Dec. 31, 2024 | 2:33 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

December

Little bit untracked but didn't affect in any direction pretty much

Quite a strange month. I have mixed feelings about it and a sad aftertaste. If something comes to my head it is the words ‘‘missed opportunities’’.
Was busy and unfortunately not with poker, had many tasks and problems to solve and felt overwhelmed. First priority was playing poker, second studying and learning, third rest, fourth psychology and blog was far behind. I could only find time for 1-3. And it doesn't feel like enough even for those. Because of other life things which had to be done.
And I started playing after 10th of December.

Didn’t play as much as I wanted, didn’t study as much as I wanted but did my best. There were mistakes, not a good mindset session, tilt and hot headed periods. Feel more irritated and annoyed than months before.
Was an enormous amount of luck (along luckiest for this year, even though I didn’t have an exact feeling always), a bit of great sessions, and a lot of love and enjoyment. Sometimes I feel so good knowing that Monday will come and I am gonna play again. So nice and so warm.

Didn’t check results, didn’t read poker news, didn’t read blogs, didn’t talk about poker much as well. Well, actually reading news and blogs is okay and even brings me inspiration and more motivation. However It might also bring EGO and higher expectations, comparing myself to other players and feeling like I deserve what they have. It's a bit detrimental. So because of that, I avoided it and skipped it. Wanted to watch podcasts but didn’t find the opportunity and time. Well next month for sure!

Few thoughts:
1)Which story do we tell to ourselves or to others after we are achieving goals and accomplishing targets?
How great are we? How lucky are we? How special and unique?
How much hard work do we put in?...
2)Want to get my money back and show my strength! But is it really a strength? Maybe ego wants to feel good, maybe we lack confidence. Possibly, strength is accepting and actually embracing those feelings, letting them be.
3)Fire inside, rush, incredible productivity. Based on anger, tilt, dissatisfaction
4)Perfectionism in things. Like it will bring control and gonna keep everything as it is. For example we are lucky now and it will be like that in the future if we do everything exactly the same (routine etc).
5)Work work.

Goals for next month:

Taking risks
Studying psychology and going over notes, asking myself some questions
Learning from other players, practise GTO trainer

Happy new year!
Wish all the nice things, good games and strong health in 2025.
Best of luck!

I maintained perspective during 2024, it was a nice ride. Enjoyable and amazing. Many interesting posts and thoughts. It is gonna take place in my heart and I am gonna revisit it from time to time. Learned so many things, wow, proud of myself and feel honoured sharing my poker journey.
From readers ' point of view it was boring and I wrote a bit too many negative posts, but it gave me perspective and I could reflect on myself. Mistakes were made, sunrun were along the way, aha moments and a lot of joy.
Love poker so much.

Dec. 31, 2024 | 2:20 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

Feel a bit sad that I didn't write much this month. Oh, that's unpleasant. Gonna make a December report and it is gonna be it for this blog.
However, I am gonna make a new one in 2025. Probably gonna be dull like this, but I loved it and the experience was nice! Hopefully I can write oftenly.

Dec. 30, 2024 | 11:09 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#48

I like to compare myself and things to the start of this year. Maybe it is not so accurate or good but anyway it can be estimated. My risk taking decreased a bit throughout the year. Risk about playing higher stakes and looking for marginal opportunities. Like playing shady rooms and not so clear and transparent games.
Even if I see nl2k running now I would be like - whatever if I missed a seat I don’t bother much. But to be fair it is hard to find 2k games and less options nowadays, so can’t say it is my fault. Trying to jump into nl1k games pretty much always if it is good enough. Obviously variance there and very good players, need to keep in mind and be observant. However can learn from better players.
One thing which is important and I want to remind myself - without risk it is far more comfortable and convenient which has good/bad sides. Without trying something scary and not familiar, you can't get into some good situations. It is not about game strategy per se, but also about rooms. Who knows - how shot will go and which possibilities arise.

Nevertheless skipping GG games for sure can’t even be considered as an oversight or flaw. But not opening the nl1k lobby in some rooms, worth realisation and being aware of. Awareness and understanding.
My best month I played nl1000, but not a lot, yet results were good based on heather there. To make the best month - you need to play high and run very well. Playing more is not necessarily gonna bring more.

I noticed a few guys who 3 bet quite a bit in position. Like for example BUsCO or BUvsMP. And few guys who play like that are crushers, well it might not have correlation or be based on that. But certainly interesting and also annoying to play against. 3Bet pots are far easier to play IP, rather than OOP and need to have skills and a lot of knowledge (experience). For sure it matters and that factor adds to their winnings. Especially vs recreational players, those situations supposed to be very effective. Because isolating and playing vs wide range. At higher stakes people are more aware of that and Cold4Bet much more which is a good weapon against those isolates since it is gonna be difficult to defend properly wide range. Either overfold preflop (seems the best), either need to be making a lot of close/marginal decisions later on.
Would love to learn to play aggressively like that and pick up 3B spots IP. A lot to study and improve! From those aggressive players can learn as well.

Dec. 18, 2024 | 2:13 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#47
Wanted to update the blog for quite some time but my hands didn’t go in that direction. Mostly because I felt like I don't have enough time, can’t finish all tasks, can’t do what I like and enjoy, can’t put weight out of my shoulders. After vacation, I'm getting back to poker and studies and want to study more, to get confidence and to feel better while playing. More comfortable and also more interested and involved. But at the same time a few annoying and irritating things came up. It is about visas and continuing to stay without issues. I did a lot of border runs to stay longer in Thailand and now my history is not good at all. However, I have a solution for that, unfortunately it requires a bit of documents, a bit of time and a decent amount of stress. Also some money.
Well I also wanted to add some room or look into that but didn’t find any time. So playing as before without much change. Sometimes it is so hard to change even if it seems like a little thing. Resistance, discomfort, excuses!

There were also a few topick (small) I wanted to write about. First one I touched already is the feeling of not having enough time. Tasks snowballing to bigger ones, increased stress and sense of constant rush, tension in the body (head). It is not so pleasant and takes energy. Can think a lot during the day - what I need to do and how to finish it. What is the best way, how to not forget.
During the day I might feel rushed. Rushed all the time - rushed to eat, rushed to start playing, rushed to do any tasks, besides less time to rest. Actually the clear benefit of that state - is being productive, more energy and inspiration. Downsides are quite obvious - stress, feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Another thing which was in my mind for quite some time. Maybe close to one month. It is a statistic or stats. I am questioning and asking myself? Is stats important or overrated? Actually session stats for players are generally good ones and worth looking at. Of course I mean recreational players in that case. Overall stats might be also relevant but feel like giving them so much weight is a bit a lot. Well, I don’t like when I look into them so deeply while making decisions. Feel like recreational players change their style even during one session, might see some player having crazy stats but at some period of time he plays like an accurate tight player. Also I frequently saw aggressive at the first sight players who bet thinly but rarely bluff. So stats are quite important but not more than that!

This month I played for 6 days so far. Some variance kicked in, I felt destroyed in one day and next day was pure heater. Games seem good and enjoyable, have nice recreational players and decent action. I am also interested and involved in playing, yeah sometimes getting angry and annoyed and other times feel too comfortable and even lazy. Quite normal to be fair. Sessions can feel easy and other ones can feel pretty difficult. Well, let’s play more and have fun.
Didn’t try to play ideal or make the best decisions possible, making mistakes and learning. Studying makes me enjoy the game more, discovering or revisiting previously seen areas and finding something new brings a lot of satisfaction and happiness. Yeah, winning brings happiness of course, always been like that. Losing is hard and not comfortable, being stuck with those feelings is hard. It is like you want to change it, want to get rid, dissolve and overworking, pushing harder and increasing limits. Fighting hard and taking it personal.

Few hands, first is clicking buttons and second one is of course bluff and rec called with worse. That's a bit crazy outcome

Dec. 17, 2024 | 2:32 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

November

-1200 untracked sites

Since the 22nd of November and till today I have been out of poker completely. One day I read some news and that's pretty much all. I had a vacation from poker and enjoyed things around me, travelling and many more. Was amazing and superb, felt good at most and time flew so fast. Thoughts about poker visited me sometimes and that’s reasonable, also I missed the game a bit and felt thrilled about times I will play again.
Two weeks out of poker is quite a bit of time, bring rust and something will be forgotten, also some small ideas I can’t remember. However, that’s okay and I need to fresh myself up as well. Need to look from other sides and question more, I need to learn like a first day in school and observe surroundings. Emotions are gonna be there too: frustration, tilt, anger of losing and disappointments of mistakes. That's a part of being attached and living fully, excitement and sadness, motivation and inspiration.

Feel fresh now and even writing in the blog seems easy as words come out naturally. I don’t need to think about sentences and re-read them multiple times, which is what I am doing sometimes especially after a difficult poker day or stressing out. When the mind is foggy and thoughts are jumping. One thing I am quite confident about is that this is gonna be the last month for this blog ‘‘Maintaining Perspective’’, whether I will do something after you will know later.

Thoughts about the future quite often visit me. What else I can do and where else I might find something I love and enjoy, daily happiness... Youtube, twitch, other content, there is a lot of good content about poker - theory, entertainment and others. Feels like plenty of good creators and producers. Coaches as well.
Maybe it should be something outside of poker but which suits me well - like art, photography, music. Afraid of spending time and learning from zero. Actually people who say poker gives some good skills in life, I am not sure about that. In my opinion skills are quite limited to a few areas, of course you might have great computer stamina and dedication etc. but other than that it's not easy to apply in many fields. Unless you already have been doing something (coaching, twitch ….). Poker is a lovely and amazing game and I enjoy playing it. If one day I could do something else on the side or fully, let's see.

Now a few words about November - I don't remember it well. Had ups and downs, had a little bit of health issues but finally got better and felt blessed. Poker was decently lucky but I can't remember exactly either.

One more thing since it is relevant to me. GGpoker did some changes to their VIP games and now don’t have nl5k at all I think. Which was eventually one of my goals (to play it and see). Don’t feel bad about it or upset, maybe because nl5k there wasn’t good - luck and variance. I heard even the best regs struggled to have any winrate there. Okay that’s of course bad news to read but everyone can find something else.

Few thoughts:
1) I think losing is bringing something. Maybe ‘‘negative’’ emotions and pain, feelings of regret and what I did wrong, dissatisfaction and oppression. It is like you did something stupid and it pretty much devastates you. Affecting mood and everything, leaving a negative aftertaste.
2) Just feeling healthy is an excellent thing, it is a gift.
3) Belief in rest is unproductive. When you rest you miss opportunities and hours to do something, when you rest you get behind. When you rest you get and restore energy (physical, mental, intellectual), you create new
Belief that trying hard is necessary. It won’t get control of variance, or will give exact results I want and also won’t make life ideal.
Perfectionism. Thinking that if I do everything ideally things will be good. No uncertainty and no unknown future. You do everything perfectly and life will be good under full control.
4) Making mistake doesnt mean you are bad player and gonna continue to making mistakes, it doesn’t tell that you will fail in the future.
5) Playing aggressively sometimes gonna make me feel like an idiot and absolutely wrong in my actions
6) For sure I want to win and losing brings some pain. However I will try a little to accept what's happening and be in that discomfort place
7) For sure I want to play ’’great’’, no accept that I won't be playing like that. I am learning and getting experience
8) Not afraid of being weak and imperfect

Goals for next month:
1)Playing few tables
2)Game selection
3)Reflection, thinking, psychology notes and videos, productive rest
4)Learning common spots and revisiting those already viewed

Good luck in December
Wish blessed and enjoyable month

Dec. 9, 2024 | 6:58 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#46
I am playing this week and after having around 2 weeks off from poker. Probably no studies as well and anything related. This week also didn’t have many hours spent studying off the tables. Many errands to do and things to think about. It is a bit stressful and today I feel a lot of tension in my body. Feel like something is bothering me and making me uncomfortable. Like I haven’t done important things and it is hanging with me until I am gonna finish it. Incompletion and dissatisfaction. Like I can't breathe in fully…
Honestly I don’t want to take time off from poker but I have to. Have good sides in that - gonna rest and clear my brain. Refresh energy and empty some space in my thinking.

Had a bit of reflection over past days. Trying to be present and in a moment. Not always successfully, the mind tends to come back to thinking and thoughts fly (what needs to be done, how it will be, what will happen, how to do it better …). While eating, while exercising and doing pretty much everything. Even at night might follow. Not blocking them or getting rid, just gently coming back to the now.
What I was reflecting on?
Belief of rest is unproductive. My feelings towards it. Though if I think about it from a logical standpoint it can break it. Don’t know but I've always thought that resting is not necessary, when you rest you miss opportunities and hours to do something, when you rest you get behind. That’s why time off feels stressful and unpleasant. Like I will forget everything and people will bypass me. Kinda not so much sense in it, but can truly believe in it. Even when writing or hearing about somebody else, certainly spotting flaws.
Belief that trying hard is necessary. Pretty much similar to what I said above. Probably have the same roots and same reasons. Essentially it is not as bad a belief, the previous one also not bad. Because it brings a lot of nice things as well. But I need to know that it is not fully correct or gonna bring certainty and safety (security). Like it won’t get control of variance, or will give exact results I want and also won’t make life ideal.
Which is bringing to another belief. This one is clear perfectionism. Thinking that if I do everything ideally things will be good. No uncertainty and no unknown future. You do everything perfectly and life will be good.
You study a perfect amount of hours, you come to play in a perfect state, your place is gonna be perfectly clean and everything around will also be ideal. Schedule nice, no issues with anything (internet, rooms), no problems with health, always good sleep and so on.
Even if it's all gonna be like that - it won’t get control of uncontrollable things. Like variance and luck. It won’t make life good and safe (just solely because of that). But it will decrease happiness and also gonna cost a lot of energy.

Need to accept those feelings and emotions. It is part of my personality and I can't call it negative or bad. They are just qualities. However, it is very nice to remind myself that some thoughts are quite flawed and don’t have anything behind them, no base and fundamentals. They're just there. I don’t know but is it similar to believing in ghosts or paranormal? If science, logic say the opposite still we can truly believe in it and disregard anything which says otherwise. Maybe not a good example.

Anyways, don’t know but before time off I feel even more motivated and interested in poker. Want to learn and I want to study. Want to play as well. There so many areas I don’t know and so much to discover. Happy to win, frustrated and sometimes angry to lose. Can be very emotional and can feel so differently. Wow, so much in it.

Nov. 20, 2024 | 2:33 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#45
Week or so I have some health issues. It is a bit irritating and makes me feel down. Morning I usually have a pretty good mood but it declines towards evening and when I go to sleep can be quite sad. Now I can see how good life can be and how easy to take ‘‘normal healthy’’ days for granted without any gratitude. Just feeling healthy is an excellent thing. Being able to feel good in the body is awesome. For me I always forget it and after some time don’t notice anything or be happy because of it. Even though oftenly I have some issues with health.
Need to be patient and accept whatever is going on. Can't be angry or annoyed, so just let it be. For sure it can and is gonna be more frustrating and ‘negative’ but that's how it is.

I haven't checked the results so far this month. Playing and studying, learning and learning. There are a lot of areas which I don’t know much about and a lot of situations which make me uncomfortable and lost.
Think it is quite important to always be a student and interested in learning. It humbles the ego and also makes it easier to absorb knowledge. I looked at some 4 bet pots yesterday and there was a moment when I realised I don’t know anything at all in that situation on that texture. By my feeling I assumed different flop play and my thoughts were incorrect. Totally reasonable and fine to be wrong. Learning and taking notes.
It was okay and didn’t make me any upset or frustrated. Actually even looking common spots like BUvsBB SRP for example, often I found something new or which I didn’t thought about. Also in the game I want to learn from other players, surprisingly even weak players can provide some valuable information. Let myself open to different lines, sizes and all kinds of plays.

Nowadays my posts seem more serious and informative than before. At least in my opinion. Less interesting probably and enjoyable to read. Nevertheless I am just writing thoughts and ideas, what comes to my mind and bothers me. My overall life is somewhat boring. Actually there are personal things going on which I prefer to not share. Other than that staying in Bangkok, Thailand, weekdays playing and weekend resting and relaxing. Schedule seems alright, not overworking for sure. Sometimes having some fun and unproductive activities and even a few nights drinking a bit. Not putting myself in a frame or limiting my possibilities.
I like November, autumn is taking a warm place in my heart. Even though in my home it is a dark and depressing season, it somewhat resonates with my personality. In Thailand it is always sunny though, so all seasons are similar at first glance, but in reality have differences. Quite big but not as big as Europe for example.

Allright, gotta go now and rest! Have a healthy week 😀
Don’t know but I feel like I am enjoying poker way too much. Ongoing love from the first glance, damn those 15-16 years was very nice. Since I played first hand online for money and now. What a journey! Pretty much I grew up with poker, and saw many things as my fellow colleagues. Memories, nice moments, ups and downs. Many tilt sessions and many happy days. Satisfaction from winning and sadness from losing.
Well, my motivation is high and poker is so interesting. Ohh can’t wait to play tomorrow.

Sleep zZzZ

Nov. 13, 2024 | 2:42 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#44
November is flying fast, I have a few big things coming this month, at the end actually. Nowadays just playing, learning and also spending time journaling and reflecting. What thoughts come to me and when. Trying to be self compassion and present, not judging or criticising. Also having some rest and time for myself, understanding that can’t be productive all the time and can’t be perfect as well.
For sure I can't play without losing focus and forgetting something, without mistakes and situations which are so easy to regret. Actually whenever you choose one line and it is supposed to be decent by logic, afterwards you might change your opinion to another one and feel a bit bitter. Like I could've done better and why I didn’t this time…

Kinda have observations from recent days. Observed it myself so it is a noticeable thing. As they say - ‘‘learn from mistakes ’’. When you play aggressively, especially when trying hard or chasing losses, you can sometimes pretty much run into something inevitable. Let me give you an example: One player plays only AA and when you 3betting him you always gonna get 4bet and there all your aggression will turn backwards on yourself. It is easy to forget if you are under emotions and can’t think about everything, too little space available.
I started to think about it, when I checked/jammed against a big river triple barrel and ran into stone cold first nuts. Of course there is a lack of information and uncertainty which is why I consider my play was fine and should do again in the same situation under the same circumstances. But yeah, it was interesting to think about it. There was also another situation and I jammed preflop vs big 4bet and again ran into first nuts. That's even more a situation where something seems suspicious. Anyway still better to play aggressively and do some things which you can regret afterwards than never try.

Sometimes I feel so stressed. In certain situations usually. Like playing vs ‘‘scary players’’, like when facing some aggressive player who puts in tough spots constantly and so on. It is normal and reasonable to feel this way. Just want to go slightly deeper and see what else is there:
Fear of losing? Certainly, but also I think losing is always bringing something. Maybe ‘‘negative’’ emotions and pain, feelings of regret and what I did wrong, dissatisfaction and oppression.
It is like you did something stupid and it pretty much ruins you. Affecting mood and everything, leaving a negative aftertaste.

Nevertheless, sometimes making mistakes and losing is ‘‘good’’. It can bring awarness and humble yourself. Can show that it is not possible to control everything and get the outcome you want. There is always uncertainty and risk.
Also mistakes are an opportunity to learn and move forward. Step by step and even sometimes back.

Nov. 6, 2024 | 8:53 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

October

+600 other sites

I ran good at nl1000 and won there, especially last week I was very lucky and my plays worked too. It is certainly a nice feeling and brings confidence and safety. But I don't want to fall into a trap of high expectations or feeling too good about my game and knowledge. ‘‘Variance’’ helped me. By any means I don’t think I'm a strong player.
Mindset and psychology are gonna remain important topics for November. Want to work on it and even a small step would be an accomplishment. Also in poker theory, I want to learn one or few things. Poker is a complex game and it's easy to forget something overtime. Obviously there are so many areas to study and an infinite amount of information to look at.

Didn’t check results (except first weeks) and felt actually better than checking too often. Even though I had itchy feelings a few times and it was incredibly hard to resist. Mind gets cloudy and short term desires increase, apathy towards long term.
I definitely want to continue in the future. Less stress and generally less emotions accumulated during the week means more energy. At least it is my observation.

Another interesting thing is working on ‘‘non material things ’’like mindset and thinking about goals and poker in general. Asking some questions is also beneficial. Can’t tell how much or how important but those things are helping while playing. Can reduce stress and increase happiness, can answer some questions and get more clear about the path ahead.

Actually I stopped reading other blogs, checking results of best/top players, railing HS hands, and also generally less social media related to poker. Don’t know how I feel overall, probably (not entirely sure though) I have more emotional energy (less irritation, unhappy comparison, anger). It is just personal though, everyone is different and I totally see benefit in doing things. For example motivation might increase and physical energy and so on.

Few thoughts and ideas:
1. What I can control and what can’t: some things are really hard to accept and might be super annoying. But they are out of our reach and influence. However we have our attitude towards it
2. Acceptance and letting go - emotions, losing, feelings, mistakes, autopilot, rush, imperfection.
3. Certainty and safety. Can’t have, even though sometimes I can feel like having. Acceptance of uncertainty, unsecurity.
4. Not trying to play ideally or balanced like a solver, just without massive mistakes or super illogical decisions. Can’t remember or use everything. Don’t even know everything.
5. EGO (there are too many notes here, from talking too much or imagine achieving things and becoming lazy, to being student)
6. Idealisation and trying too hard: giving myself sometimes unproductive things I enjoy or procrastinating. Without regret or guilt. Doing less is more.
7. Being hard on yourself and self-critical

There are more thoughts and ideas which I forget, and I can't recall all the moments and everything which happened. That’s alright though. Now what I did (compare to what I didn’t do): read book ‘‘ego is the enemy’’ and another one about happiness, watched little bit videos runitonce and gtowizard, listened to couple podcasts mechanics of poker (wow enjoyed it so much, guys are legends), watched some youtube and etc (for fun, without any educational purpose), spent time with notepad journaling and online as well.

Goals for November:
1) Playing few tables
2) Acknowledge and acception of imperfection
3) Taking and embracing uncertainty and not knowing, insecurity and discomfort
4) Every week spent time with psychology notes

Good luck in November!

Oct. 31, 2024 | 10:43 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#43
Last week I was ‘‘working’’ with a mental game. Spent time deliberately doing non material things. Like reading journals, reflecting, asking myself some questions and going over important poker psychology notes. Actually I enjoyed doing it and even though it is hard to see the benefit and outcome, I believe it was a good experience. Another reason I wanted myself to stop going like a train and try to always be productive. Today on Wednesday I will also focus on psychology. As someone smart said: ‘‘better to rest while you still feeling okish, than when you burned out’’

Played one session at nl2000 and that was an interesting and awesome experience. Faced against some big names as well, that wasn't intimidating or I felt scared. Still was stressed and uncomfortable but because a lot of money was on the line and it is never easy to lose. Might become irritated, angry, annoyed, frustrated and so on. Might feel hot headed and ‘‘negative’’ for some time. Honestly not much happened, even though I played mostly emotionally and made decisions based on high desire to win and show myself. Like strategy very influenced by short term outcome.
My thoughts about other players were quite nice, I understand they are also humans and make mistakes, they don’t know everything and can be played against. For sure they are very good in some lines and situations but not every single one and might also be tired, bored, etc. That's gonna be to the point that I don't need to be too scared or afraid.

Today I have an interesting observation: I lost a bit but I don’t feel like I got smashed or outplayed. Actually many spots are very unfortunate and super weird. A few of them for sure should make me feel super frustrated and angry. I made some big plays and wasn’t correct at all. But I took it rather ‘‘cold’’. Yeah, clearly variance did its job but I don't know. Feel quite alright. Though I really wanted to check results and bring some certainty, during the session and at the end but again I didn’t look,as last week. Hard and uncomfortable but still going. Somedays variance is too crazy, you win in ridiculous spots and lose as well. Swingy and hitting strongly emotionally.
Hmm, however today maybe there weren't so many difficult spots and that could be the reason for feeling fresh.

Anyway I am gonna learn and move forward. There are a lot of things to improve and get better, knowledge feels infinite. Just sitting patiently and maybe get one thing done today. That would be awesome. Also while playing, learning from other players, especially those who are already successful. They are certainly doing something excellent! Some are great vs recreational players, some are good defensively, some are very strong emotionally, some can play a lot without losing focus, some quite balanced and excellent at following their range and other players, some are good with bluffcathing and herofolding and so on.

I haven't been so happy lately and feel down about my daily routine and even playing. Studying can feel like a waste of time and not bring much. Days are quite normal and not always eventful. Also miss some stuff and think about the future/past and compare it to now. Don’t know but sometimes sad.

Oct. 23, 2024 | 9:20 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#42
Today I felt a really big desire to check the results. So itchy and so tempting. Don’t know how I didn’t do it and remain with painful uncertainty. Yes I wasn’t so lucky today and that’s why my mind became cloudy and foggy. Can’t think too much and even simple things feel hard.
Anxious too.

Decided to not look until the end of the next week (let's see how I will do then). Whatever I will keep myself uncertain and not knowing. Let it be as it is. Of course not pleasant but yeah, some things aren’t supposed to be easy.

Today I maintained myself surprisingly well(working on mental notes helping a little), took a loss, didn’t ruminate a lot and overthink. Accepting mistakes and that it is alright to play spots incorrectly, if you make a goal to play ideally gonna stress and mess up anyway. Hard to know exactly - many small details and nuances.

Oct. 18, 2024 | 8:41 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#41
This week I played 3 days and basically didn’t study (less than 1 hour). Instead I went over my notes and studied my mental game. Also watched a recent podcast on ‘‘mechanics of poker’’ with an Argentinian endboss ''Schyllae''. Enjoyed it a lot, he seems like a very intelligent guy and also a great player. Especially loved a few parts: first - when he was talking about being hard on yourself, how it is actually not very productive as it seems in poker, he brought examples of professional basketball players who cultivated that mindset and achieved a lot. However it is not so clear it is solely(mainly) because of that, and besides poker is a different skillset game. I’ve been hard on myself often and I also admit it might be not beneficial. One thought though - it reducing happiness and enjoyment.
Second - he was mentioning exploiting poker and how after studying a certain spot he actually played much worse. Because he strived to make perfect decisions and that didn’t go so well. Also when you focus too much on playing the exact branch of the tree you can forget other things and play too empty.
Thirdly - about perfectionism. A lot of great thoughts. How by trying to be ideal we are looking to get control of circumstances. How perfectionism can be a cure to bad outcomes (It is not!).
Fourth - about being humble and even top regs are making mistakes and don’t know everything.
And many more. I Recommend watching it!

Now about myself, for some time I was thinking why I’m so stressed, so anxious and why now it is so difficult to play. What changed in this year, compared to the start... Actually I found quite many insights which are interesting but one seems more relevant. Not sure how important it is and how effective it is. It is increased pressure (from life), responsibility (from life) and also thoughts about the future of poker (need to seize it right now). Results become more important and I need to play well and win. It is not only desire but also urge. When you lose you feel down and negative, start to overthink the future and visualize bad things. Especially when I can imagine that always winning is possible, those thoughts incorrect and just a fantazy, but why do guys like Linus, Cindy and others (many examples) always make winning months seem out of variance. If they can - means others also. If I can’t - something wrong with me and need to be perfect like they are. That's also the reason for perfectionism and idealism, the reason for disappointments when losing or when things don’t go well.

Two more days I will go over some of my thoughts and ask more questions. And Saturday I will study a bit of theory. To be honest while going through the psychology part I feel slightly easier and can see a little bit of benefit.
On the other hand when you do theory and go over hands, everyday you pretty much see blunders and mistakes. Always! That can be frustrating. For sure increase some irritation and anger. Self-comparison is important.

Also while playing, sometimes you can feel genius and other times like an idiot. If you play somewhat aggressively and creatively in situations, from time to time you're gonna mess up and be very wrong in assumptions. Poker is not an easy game. Important to keep going and show love to yourself.

Oct. 17, 2024 | 10:51 a.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#40

Ohh finally I somehow managed to overcome this week. It feels like crossing a mountain, river, and forest. Super drain emotionally and empty now. I gotta admit it is becoming way too difficult to play poker for me nowadays. To be honest today is the first day in a while (this year maybe) I feel hopelessness. I feel like ohh, it is just impossible and sad. It is an uphill battle with disadvantage. To clarify it is about emotions and feelings more, think technically poker also difficult but profitable.

When I started this blog and when the first months of this year rolled in, I felt better and less stressed. I Feel like my shoulders don’t have a burden and my head is free to look anywhere. Felt interested, motivated and excited.

Time passed by and now I can sense the change. The way mistakes hurt and make me overthink, the way losing brings pain, the way I become toxic and negative, the way I try too hard and push everywhere. Old habits start to kick in - incredible discipline, perfectionism, beating up for mistakes and blunders, too much thinking. That results in pretty much a feeling of hopelessness and discomfort while playing and after. Even slight despair.
Of course I never had good traits or good personality for poker ( I believe). Some things are rather difficult for me but others are easier. Which is what it is and I assume changing them might be close to impossible. So before I took it as it is, just accepting what qualities I have and letting them be. Why fight with something which is not possible to change?
Accept and let it be! Yeah, can’t be super good or excellent, can’t have awesome results or show best. But it is okay. Everyone is different and paths are also

I would like to bring that careless attitude from the start of this year. It felt different and more enjoyable. It felt like fun (at least a little bit more often). My plan is to next week just focus on reflection and my emotions and feelings. Just let myself be and not study anything pretty much. Play as usual but instead of theory or anything, read journals and notes, write some thoughts and go into questions. Be mindful with daily activities and notice when I feel rushed, urge to do something or strive for better. Gonna be a week for myself.
Caring is good, caring too much is not so sure as caring too little. I have had quite a big experience in the past with being too disciplined and too perfect. That didn’t go that well and I think it is not my way.

Here is a graph for this month. I checked 3 or 4 times this month which is a lot for me and tells me that something is going on. Didn’t run well, would say average with some lucky moments and dreadful. This is also the reason for my down mood, because I am quite result oriented (also lost few bi in untracked so overall around 0)

P.S. Overall I played quite allright, with mistakes and decent blunders, not ideal and not perfect - The way I wanted. I complain and dissatisfied with how hard it is to play and what emotions I feel while playing and after. It is difficult :/

Oct. 11, 2024 | 8:52 a.m.

Nope I don't play GG either and didn't know that they have deposit limits in the UK. Fair enough and make sense, seems difficult and unfortunate. Just follow a few regs blogs and see how they are doing there. Some are really good and others with ups and downs.
Rake is quite high even at nl5000 which is a big downside and less profitable obviously even if recrational is good. Stars in that sense are better, because you can at least somehow estimate that you are beating table rake.
Good strategy is to bink some MTT to roll it up and start playing high stakes like a normal donkey :D Yeah, just kidding, but it does bring back the past memories of some people who did like that (recs). Well at least those people were fearless and took a lot of chances in their path.

Oct. 10, 2024 | 3 p.m.

Comment | Jeff_ commented on Maintaining Perspective

#39
October is going as it is. I’m playing poker and reminding myself to not become too serious, to remember enjoying the process and to have fun. Also about happiness.
I Did a little bit of reflection last week and this. Asking myself some questions such as: Why should I play poker? What do I want from poker?
What is happiness for me and what's going to bring it (it is a tricky one - wink wink)?
Besides reading one book about EGO. Quite difficult to be honest and I feel like I need to read it twice. Learning some concepts and how it is applying to me. I have quite a big ego ( I believe). Really protecting it and identifying with myself. Protecting my image and something else. I am not even sure, I don't want to look stupid and want to be a person who is above others (yeah, that’s the clear now). If you put yourself higher than others of course it is because of believing that I’m unique and special. Everyone is normal but I have the superpower.

Maybe it is not too bad at some point, even if I can find good things in it. But not so clear and for sure can improve. In that sense I am now posting a graph just at the end of the month. Maybe sometimes as well here and there but don’t want to boost myself higher.
Easy to increase expectations when things are going good and confidence is high because everything is working out. Easy to look for fame, recognition and popularity.
When unlucky and struggling, you start to feel unhappiness and discomfort. Overthink about the future and feel like I need to do more and for longer. Sense of unfinished work and desire to get satisfaction.
It is not nice to finish the day and feel awful. Oh that's unpleasant and nobody wants that. To not feel awful after a bad day, you need to push beyond the limits. Need to try hard and also maximise your time.

Hm when poker goes good - can feel relief, confidence and contentment.
When not well- frustration and desire to work more (overwork and burn energy). Maybe that's why it's hard to leave the games when you are losing.

One observation is that there are periods when you feel so overwhelmed and so stressed out that actually it starts to bring peace and a feeling of happiness. Don’t know what it call or give an example just even extreme tilt can transform into a calming state.

Allright, a few weird hands and lets call it an update. Time to study and enjoy the evening. Click buttons for 2 more days and weekends. Phew!
Good luck to everybody and have a happy week <3

P.S. One hand vs recrational player (nice one, not a tight and dry guy). I like to post losing hands more, make me think that I don't know anything. Which is the truth.

Oct. 9, 2024 | 8:55 a.m.

I'm okay, just trying to have fun and happiness. Always forgetting about those two important things.
Absolutely agree, it's easy to be negative and complain about the games. And compare it with 5-10 years ago and tell times were better back then. Grass was greener and the air was cleaner. Yes, let's enjoy it while it goes. Poker is fun and having the opportunity to play this game is wonderful.
Do you think about GG or apps? For playing higher than stars. GG has 5k games very often and being very good reg you have a great chance of doing great. Some people took a lot of money from it and showed very nice results.

Oct. 8, 2024 | 2:31 p.m.

I saw you playing nl5k 9max other day. Table wasn't particulary good and rec was dry :P
Ahh I miss times when nl5k tables were as much as nl500 nowadays. Now even one table feels like a santa gift

Oct. 4, 2024 | 3:11 p.m.

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