I'm posting my blog link in Discord and here you can find the Notion page, which is an enhanced version of the first post, which seems to be liked by many users.
I'm going to include the Notion link in every other entry
Nov. 22, 2022 | 9:25 p.m.
^ This is what my friends and my therapist say although I wasn't convinced about it. After some reflection, I think they are right even if my relationship with the game was really a loved/hated one.
What I believe is that poker is my true opportunity to change my life and yet, I haven't dedicated enough time to it, probably due to my self-sabotage mechanism being afraid to win at the game of life.
I've opened up a bunch of blogs before, with different usernames, in order to get a fresh start every single time, a start that didn't happen. I will link my previous blogs in my next entries but for now, here's a recap.
I've played for many years, small stakes exclusively, with mediocre results. I got lucky though, I never studied consistently and I've managed to stay afloat in some way.
Results in BBs
Results in $
Roughly 6 years ago I've got sick with an unknown disease and I began to withdraw my money in order to get cured, while motivation and health declined really fast like my money availability. Right now I'm doing better but I still suffer physically every day.
What I did (and still do) is playing low stakes, a vicious cycle that I try to break for some reasons I cannot or I don't want, the mind could trip us up.
After years of failures, because playing millions of hands at low stakes is a failure, I have to step back and take an honest look at my journey and my life. I don't like where I am.
The last 2 months were a little bit better, but I don't feel I'm moving forward at all. I continue to feel stuck and completely apathetic
I'm the only one to blame for this, but I don't move my ass as I should, cannot pinpoint why, and here's the reason why I opened up this blog, to fully expose myself, and my weaknesses and allow others to help me out.
Deep down, I do think that I'm the only one who knows better, but let's face it, results are telling me that I'm wrong. I don't have any socials, I tend to talk about myself as little as possible so other guys cannot attack me because I know they would highlight all my shit.
My big, fragile, ego is afraid of being judged so he avoids confrontation completely. I need to accept that what I've done since then was wrong.
Even if I write to get help, I know I'm the only one responsible for his own salvation, so I would love to get help, but I have to acknowledge that it will be a gift, not something due. I've found out that talking to me in 2nd person seems to be more effective so I will do the same even here.
I will try to be more sincere and vulnerable as possible because I think this is the only way to change for good.
Thank you for reading this