HeavyMask's avatar


424 points

This is one of the best post addressed to me, ty for this.

I think you touched on a great point about my family/parents since I hold a huge resentment toward them. I think, in the end, I really need some sort of guidance because, sometimes, it seems my problems just overwhelm me and I cannot get a handle on anything, resulting in a lot of stress.

Also, I want to return to my old routines and rules that gave me a good pace in life. Following some guidelines will prevent the chaos to dominate my life.

I've read many self-help books but tbh, they haven't helped much, that's why I need to seek therapy asap. Luckly enough, I got a very good professional which changed some of my friends' lives and even mine, although I've seen him only for 6 months.

Ty again for everything, you are a very intelligent guy

Oct. 25, 2021 | 1:40 p.m.

Ty again for your detailed answer...

Do you have an example of what you are struggling with?
Fear, in everything, also in RL, just couple of examples

I always expect anything bad to happen and I won't be able to recover.
Good moments are temporary while bad moments last forever.
Fear that I'm not going to fulfill my potential

There aren't poker-related things, they are just deep-rooted in my brain but I think poker exacerbates those.
As soon as I get my finance in order I want to resume therapy

Oct. 24, 2021 | 6:28 p.m.

Ty for the long post, I really appreciate that.

I have just one comment to make, I booked the 8-hour package with Jared back in the day, if I dig in my hard drives I'm sure I can find all the recording sessions, but I haven't improved a single bit. Probably I was expecting some kind of magic on his part and I didn't put in the work needed

Ah, I've just gotten the last Jared's book (and audiobook), it is about trading but I'm sure concepts can be translated to poker as well

Oct. 22, 2021 | 12:40 p.m.

How do you feel about losing 5k? I mean, IIRC your most volume was played on NL25 and NL50 so it seems and huge loss. I do know you also played nl200 lately but the question still remains...how do you feel? Have it runied your day with your GF?
I'm asking because I want to work on my mindset and if I would have your day I would obliterate myself

Oct. 21, 2021 | 10:07 p.m.

I haven't shared a single HH, but I want to share one of my very first hand at NL100, vs a big whale. It made me tilt for the entire day because I wanted to sit out but the software didn't obey... it isn't about the money is how I lose money

Let's post something decent.... my graph since the start of the blog. I'm somewhat happy to see I'm only running 33 BI under EV, it could be much worse. But imagine one of my exact clone, running 33 BI over EV, he would be playing at least 2 stakes higher, but what can I do besides grind and study more?

A very slow climb with many poker a real life hurdles

Oct. 21, 2021 | 9:05 p.m.

GL on your journey

How many tables/players there are on Unibet at nl200+?

Oct. 21, 2021 | 10:09 a.m.

Yesterday I've take down most of the goals... I will post my chart everyday, highlight what I've missed.
Since I've deleted it and I haven't got anything to post, I share my CFP graph....
Slowly getting there

Oct. 20, 2021 | 8:18 a.m.

Best of luck Wilson

Oct. 20, 2021 | 8:08 a.m.

Shaun Pauwels ty for the comment mate :)
The flat line is just my script that deleted results from my DB, so I cannot be obsessed with short-term results.
I had to deactivate it because probably I f*ck up something and the DB was super slow because of some errors caused by my script

Oct. 18, 2021 | 7:48 p.m.

Long time no see guys...
I've decided to make myself accountable again and I plan to post my daily updates here. I don't expect to be read all the times, but maybe, from time to time, someone could have some gold nuggets to share with me. In these months this forum helped me in so many ways and I'm 100% sure it will be the same in the future.
You know that, if I can do anything for you, I'm more than happy to help you out.

Regarding my pain
I've just returned from a weekend with my GF where I felt way better than when I am alone at home. This happens pretty consistently, dunno why. It could be anything to sleep better in a bigger bed or just having a better posture or just being more relaxed or just the meds that are doing something. It's clear that my pain isn't constant, I mean, it is constant where I wake up in my apartment but it isn't the case when I sleep somewhere else.
I'm convinced that my back pain is causing my stomach ache and the origin is my bad posture along with bad sleeping habits. I wake up most of the times, cracked in half... the problem is that I have a top-tier orthopedic bad which probably isn't doing a good job to my back pain.
Anyway, I'm waiting for spine injections hoping to get some solid relief

My schedule
I want to follow as close as possible my schedule and I will post here my progress or hurdles. I'm a fucking boss in planning and a complete fish in executing, so the goal is to execute all the task I have below

Regarding poker
I'm cleared for NL100 since eons, but I haven't shot it in a consistent way. From tomorrow, when my cashier allows it, I will shot no matter what

I haven't played that much this month but I don't want to be harsh on myself, I had issues that prevented me to perform. At the same time I have to recognize that poker offers me a "pause" from my pain, since when I study/play I have less time to focus on my problems.
This month I will play 20k hands and the volume will return somewhat resonable (30k) on November.

Treating myself with care
I've wanted to reward myself with different things, I got 2 massages, I went out for dinner more and enjoy the time I got off and I've purchased the Sennheiser Momentum 3.
I've realized that I don't treat myself with respect and love, basically I work work and work without any reward. What I grind life for?
Life needs to be lived but till right now I've just survived from i

Oct. 18, 2021 | 1:58 p.m.

more than 1$/hand

What are you plans after you hit the big mark? Are you planning to quit the game? Your last paragraph sounds like a goodbye :(

Oct. 12, 2021 | 8:03 a.m.

Comment | HeavyMask commented on That's my new path

die in bed


Oct. 11, 2021 | 8:12 p.m.

Comment | HeavyMask commented on The Big Reveal

I want the meditation track, for real

Oct. 8, 2021 | 10:45 p.m.

A long due update... I'm very happy that you are crushing, but plz update a little bit more often here :)
Best of luck out there

Oct. 8, 2021 | 1:34 p.m.

Comment | HeavyMask commented on That's my new path

Don't give up

Oct. 4, 2021 | 10:38 a.m.

Comment | HeavyMask commented on That's my new path

Again, the fact you are continuing to pursue poker with your life is somewhat unreal.
LFG :)

Oct. 4, 2021 | 7:35 a.m.

Ignition is capped at 2k while bodog is capped at 500.

At GG the rake is high, the rb you effectively get is 20ish% let alone they rake you preflop. I've seen the data about GG players and they are pretty much losing over a very long sample. Clearly they aren't retarded, probably they get some better deal which I'm not aware of

Oct. 3, 2021 | 10:29 p.m.

There is something you said though and I believe Chris Primer mentioned something about it as well when I spoke with him. There is definitely a correlation between having money and parents success having a direct impact on their children's success as well.

I'll hit him up about this

That is why I like the David Goggins story so much. Rough child hood, poor, over weight, etc Didn't make any excuses. Just have to conquer your mind! He is intense but very inspirational IMO.

His story seems to be, one of the most inspiring out there but, when I've started his audiobook I wasn't engaged, I will give it another try for sure

Oct. 3, 2021 | 10:25 p.m.

Hey Matt, how's the 5k games on GG? Do you think there's more value play there or on Ignition?

Oct. 3, 2021 | 9:27 p.m.

It is a personal question but I'm going to ask you anyway, feel free to avoid it...
Have you struggled with money when you were a child?
Dunno whether I've already mentioned but, I had little and very low quality food to eat, I had only 2 clothes available and they had patches on them so... I know full well how poverty is.
I got this shitty mentality because I hadn't got the chance to experiment, basically then you struggle to live you cannot thrive.

So maybe you struggled in past and this shaped your mind in that way, if that is the case I hope you haven't endured what I had.

Oct. 3, 2021 | 6:41 p.m.

I love this non-poker centered entries :)

Regarding The Mental Edge, I might take your advice and start it this night.
I tent to read books and while I do take a lot of notes, I rarely review them, so I don't get as much as I should.
Probably I should deploy your method:

Trying not to move forward beyond this chapter until I can figure out a detail plan to go with this exercise.

I think you are gain the max of out in this way

Keep us update and gl

Oct. 3, 2021 | 6:17 p.m.

I try my best coach, some days it's really hard, but I hope one day I will see the light too

Oct. 2, 2021 | 8:13 a.m.

Ty mate, tbh I was hoping to see some update in your journal, but unfortunately, it didn't happen. I hope you are doing well both in poker and in life.

I will tell you at the end of the month whether I've see changes because of the diet, but I think my stomach/belly issues stems from my 70-old-like spine. Probably I stay too curved inward and that can cause my issues.
Anyway, obliterate back pain or even just lessen a little bit, is the top goal right now, since I don't sleep at night and I'm not joking.

Regarding poker, I really want to move up, and I will take shoots very aggressively and we'll see how it will work out. I have this strange mental issue that if I take a shoot and fail, my mind thinks I will be out of the game for good. Can you imagine have played for so long and continue to have these problems?

Anyway, I will keep updating my journal, your comments are very welcomed ofc.
I would love to see how's life and cards are treating you lately :)

Best of luck

Oct. 1, 2021 | 11:10 p.m.

Confirmed: whining can help you to get on the leaderboard

Oct. 1, 2021 | 11 p.m.

Have you changed your game in a drastic way? The red line seems declining while in other graphs is trending upwards

Oct. 1, 2021 | 6:03 p.m.

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back and a Somersault in Between

September started with a very bad news regarding my health, but I don't give up, my pursue to a normal life will continue, despite of the hurdles. I have to be fair, last month was brutal in term of pain levels. I wasn't able to remotely focus and my mood swings were very frequent, with very deep lows.

For the entire October I will follow a gluten-free and diary-free diet. This period will be longer than it is in general, since intolerances can be spotted very easily in days, if you obliterate some foods. But in my case, my guts could react in a different way so we want to make sure my diet isn't involved in my pain.

Regarding my back pain, well... I'm happy to announce that I will do those expensive injections pretty much for free, without any face any waiting list.
Also, a generous guy from my CFP group will help me with cycle back exercises since he's a physiotherapist, again, for free. I even had to ask, he reached to help me out, unsolicited. How good this is? I am so grateful for this.

I'm always ready to help people out for free, and the authenticity of my character is so clear that I bind with all people I meet. It is very clear and I should recognize it as a pure gift. I guess karma is a real thing.

Poker has been slow and unproductive. My work ethic as stopped my the surge of the pain, but what I can do? I cannot be angry to myself. What I need to do is to resume my routines asap.

Well, there's a good news... it's more than a month that I play NL50 exclusively with OKish results, and I even shot NL100 (this didn't work out well)

NL50 only

I'm about to reach 200k hands in my CFP contract, I'm way behind the schedule since some guys level up to NL200 in weeks while I still play NL50 after months... I have to understand that I should take my time and confront myself with yesterday's self, not with someone else is today.
I will make it... I have to focus on get better both in health and at the tables while constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
I will do the latter by shotting NL100 aggressively and hopefully get to NL200 somewhat soon.

Oct. 1, 2021 | 11:22 a.m.

Happy B-day man

Sept. 28, 2021 | 11:50 a.m.

sauloCosta10 I'd like to explore preflop GTO ranges and how 3bet or 4bet sizes affect responses. GTO wiz doesn't have multiple sizes so I cannot use that, do you have any other tool in mind that will help me out.
I know Zenith ranges include a lot of o sizes so maybe I should start there?

Sept. 28, 2021 | 11:48 a.m.

I didn't know Xmas was on September

Sept. 21, 2021 | 9:10 p.m.

After the last bad news, I haven't put much work nor or poker nor into anything else. Apathy runs rampant right now, but I don't want to be too harsh on myself, it's ok to not feel 100% when things go poorly.

I want to put aside for a moment my stomach/belly issues, I mean, I'm preparing for a full month gluten and diary-free, but besides that, I don't want to see any doctor for now.

I want to focus on having some relief from my constant back pain. I've recently contacted the top neurosurgeon I went one year ago. He saw my exams and he wasn't sure that my hernia is causing all the pain, so he advises me to make some try with preliminary therapy. Again, this was unexpected, since he is considered the final boss of his field.
Anyway, prescribed my 10 injections of a strong anti-inflammatory which didn't help.

The next step should be a cycle of injections directly into my spine, guided by RX. I called to book them, but I was stopped because I cannot afford them. It's embarrassing but it is what it is.

Every month I take money out of my pocket looking for cures and some glimmer of hope, without any luck. This won't allow my finances to grow, I always feel poor and I got the feeling to flush my money into the toilet. It is more than a feeling actually since I'm wasting money on cures and exams that don't help me in any way.

I don't know whether these injections would help me, after many years of trials, I begin to lose hope, so I'm not inclined to ask for help. Well, I am a guy who doesn't look for help, I think I have always to count on myself. This is not a good trait because I feel lonely sometimes, while in reality, it isn't true.

The short-term plan is to:
- Stick to the diet
- Take the prescribed meds for my intestine issue
- Perform 2 routines of stretching in the morning and pre-sleep

This is somewhat cheap and allows me to tackle one thing at a time. In the meantime, I will look around for a way to get those injections cheaper, but don't have much hope.

Regarding poker, today I've resumed the grind, studied a little bit but nothing compared to the first months where I was very motivated (and I got way less pain). This month I've played an astonishing number of hands, 12k, can you imagine?

I'm very fortunate to have poker for many different reasons, and I'm 100% sure it will be my ticket for improving my life for good.
I want to dedicate fully to it also because, when I do, the pain lessens.

Ty for reading and gl at the tables, also gl to me

Sept. 20, 2021 | 11:25 p.m.

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