HeavyMask's avatar

HeavyMask

211 points

Enough poker, we want a dog pic now

July 26, 2021 | 11:42 p.m.

Enjoy your dog :)

July 25, 2021 | 10:14 p.m.

Is Big Bet U still up? The last time I've checked, a month months ago, seemed the site disappeared so I thought Matt would just get involved only in Detox.
I'm pretty surprise to see a losing red line, since I though the Matt's methodology would result in a rising nsd line.

Anyway, tell us about the group you are in, how many guys are in there and how's the study process so far :)

July 25, 2021 | 9:29 a.m.

It's just a matter of time

Probably this is my very first entry in my journal where my outlook is positive, and yet, I'm still losing money. But I don't care really, the edge I got in this field is so tangible that I need to put volume in only and reap the rewards, sooner or later.

Graphs from the start of the blog

Graphs from the start of the CFP

I don't want to cry anymore, I'm just 46 BIs under EV, nothing too big really, and even if it was a bigger difference, what can I do about it?

I'm more confident in general, even if a lot of spots feels weird, in many others I don't fear to pull the trigger anymore.

There are a lot of things I can improve, but for now I just want to keep things simple. Instead of having many cumbersome plans, my daily poker schedule is:
- play 1hr+ in the morning
- play 2hr after lunch
- play 3hrs in the evening
- review yesterday session hands in the other part of the day

I want to simplify my life in general, so I've started to eliminate all the clutter in my room. I get rid of many things which I haven't used and I continue to remove and remove things.
The end goal would be to eliminate all the stuff I don't like/don't use in order to get more space in my room.
I really thing a neat room is a mark of a neat mind.

July 24, 2021 | 2:27 p.m.

I put much work in my game but it wasn't shown in the graph, I mean my red line is just flat despite of the changes I've made. This was strange because I folded less and I was more aggressive.
So I filter out HU and MW pots, while in the latter the overall trend is still and should be the same (winning more on SD and lose at NSD), the former has improved a ton.

The outlook is still very negative, the lack of positive reinforcement is taking a huge toll on me and all aspects in my life just nosedived.
I will coming up with some significant changes in my daily schedule for the next week, trying to turning tables.
Have a good week guys

July 17, 2021 | 7:40 a.m.

July 15, 2021 | 5:53 p.m.

Yep we did, tbh he offered much of his time and although there are many things I can improve, he is happy with my progress.

July 15, 2021 | 11:58 a.m.

I'm also staked

July 15, 2021 | 11:27 a.m.

I've posted only the yellow line for a reason :(
I haven't made much money during this run

July 15, 2021 | 11:23 a.m.

I haven't update my blog for awhile, because I don't have nothing to say besides my volume and motivation took a plunge due to poor results in my last 200k hands.

The CFP is good and these are my results from the start of the program:

Brag: 2k profit in EV (which is nice for me)
Beat: Still stuck at NL25 since my entire life
I've won 80 BIs in EV

In these days it's really hard to find motivation when I still stuck at micros for so many years and losing every session.
Right now I have 4 session per day (70 min each one unless I hit a very tight stop loss of 2 BI that I hit pretty frequent). Really I cannot handle more tbh... I constantly tweak my day, but again, finding motivation with meaningless results and without a positive feedback loop (since I stuck at micros since eons) is impossible for me.
If anyone have some words of advice or just anything that would help, I'd really appreciate that

July 15, 2021 | 10:50 a.m.

What do you think are the main difference between you and PD most/average member?
Your graph is astonishing, so does your winrate, so maybe you are doing something better than others?

July 10, 2021 | 1:37 p.m.

Regarding PT4, you are on the wrong tab...
Go to results-overview instead

July 8, 2021 | 8:53 a.m.

What a graph, gg for your results, truly impressive, what about the $ graph?

July 5, 2021 | 12:09 p.m.

Ty for the update, plz continue to blog.
I wish nothing than the best :)

July 4, 2021 | 9:11 a.m.

Ty again for your time... we have different views, but I hope, someday I will contact you and say :" You were so damn right".
I wish that moment will come soon

June 30, 2021 | 6:25 p.m.

Ty for the comment...
I didn't mean to say run bad = bad life, but I do think poker influences our lives though. It is yet to be seen a godrunner who hates life imo, because if you are successful, no matter if you are competent of just lucky, it reinforce the fact you are pretty powerful.

Anyway I have many other issues in my life, my health is pretty poor (even if I see a new doctor who gave me some hope), I'm still stuck every day in the same place without moving forward, and so on.
There was a time when I was pretty successful at poker, and having solid income ease my life quite a bit, but obv I felt lonely as you are right now.

I need to see me moving forward, whether is poker or health or another part of my life, if not, I will be stuck in this toxic mindset. Because man, you are right, it's definitely toxic. At the same time even if I hate this part of me, I sympathize for myself for not kill me with this harsh life. More than one guy told me he would kill himself, no joke. Many close friends, who know how much I suffered and I'm suffering can understand this. I'm proud to wake up every day, wanting to fight.

we are all fighting our own battles.

There are battles and battles, like Mark Manson says, all peoples have problems, just hope you have to deal with easy problems. But you are very intelligent obv and you don't have to hear this by a random guy.
I think, in general, people vastly overestimate the difficulty of their problems and underestimates other people issue.

Imagine you waking up every day, trying to do your best in everything, not only in poker, but you are stuck every day no matter what you do. Your health is terrible, some days you can't even focus for the huge pain. For years.
It isn't a good looking picture, and your mindset will be toxic as well.
This isn't an excuse obv, it's pretty normal tbh.
If you have some time plz read this thread of mine in order to understand how my life is and I'm not a random whiner
https://www.runitonce.com/chatter/no-safety-net-do-you-have-any-advice/

Ty a lot for your thoughts, I always welcome comments like yours <3

June 30, 2021 | 12:31 p.m.

I've missed my goal of 7 hours of work today, but I got pretty close.
I'm tweaking my routines and I realized if I want to be more productive, I have to go to bed at 2 AM and wake up at 9 AM, there's no other way.
I've failed my prebed routine because I have eat a ton of ice-cream but I'll try to improve on that.
Regarding poker, I have developed a more specific approach to the game, I will tackle one thing at the time and move on once I have it completed.

June 30, 2021 | 8:42 a.m.

I'm pretty happy with my day, I've achieved all the goals except the prebed routine which is hard to accomplish. After I've worked so hard for the entire day I need some time to wind down. So I take my phone, look at some random things and go to bed at 3 AM. This gotta change somehow

I've also looked to my results since the start of the blog, I thought I was running more badly, but 35-40 stacks under EV aren't that bad.

June 29, 2021 | 8:28 a.m.

I'd to make a solid post but I got a pretty rough month at the poker tables.
I don't want to complain but it's astonishing how poker run can influence lives, who runs very good have a wonderful life, who runs badly simply does not.
Beside that, I want to return to make daily updates in order to keep myself accountable. My post won't have a very good structure, but meh, I need to get back on track, ASAP

Here's my future week

I set up a 44hrs week which is very doable, mainly because I play on mornings and evenings and I won't get out of home until I've reach the minimum hour requirements, which most cases is 4.

June 27, 2021 | 5:44 p.m.

June 17, 2021 | 11:44 p.m.

My suggestion was revolving around the idea that you figure out by yourself what you want and need and don't listen to anyone. I am not saying that their advice is bad as a default, but we all need to live our own lifes. And we all have very different circumstances. All we can do is do the best we can while enjoying the ride as good as we can.

And you was/are right, for someone is just easier that's it... but yep we have to do the best as we can

I have gone through good and bad times, over 40 by now, but from the majority of this planets population I live a very decent live. But I have my problems just like everyone else and they are as "important to me" as yours are to you.

There are "good problems" and "bad problems", don't know what to put on at night is a Hollywood star problem, facing death is a problem who fights against cancer. Both are problems, both are important to the people involved but only one of them is right.
Treating all the problems the same is very dangerous because can cause a lack of empathy.

And reading your posts just doesn't transmit the feeling that poker as a career is a healthy choice for you. Which it most likely is not for the vast majority... :)

It isn't healthy the way I'm doing right now. What I really lack, and I think, all player miss is having a common goal. At the end of the day, players are alone with their thoughts, but they don't build anything with others. I think that's the main issue here

Anyway I've reread my post and it sounds a little bit harsh, I didn't want it obv. Quite the contrary, anyone who try to help me out is welcomed :)

June 12, 2021 | 9:48 a.m.

Ty a lot for your comment

You should reraed what Demon wrote. I don't know your situation, but it seems a desktop job (in this case poker) is a bad choice healthwise (and socially as well).

Any job is the wrong one until I fix my health issue. It isn't the job that I need to change, I need to fix my health in order to do anything. Some days I have to stay on the pain for the pain just to help you to understand that my condition is severe.

I know myself very well that it is very difficult to give up on certain ideas/ dreams, but sometimes a different path in life can set you free. I would also recommend to you to go for a long hike, something like 4-6 weeks. If that's possible. Just get out of your rot and focus only on getting from A to B. Reevauluate your life in a kind and nice way. Try something new.
And stop expecting always perfect results. Fuck idiots like Petterson. LOL. All this optimizing is so idiotic, just think deeply about what you really enjoy and do more of that (unless it's taking drugs and raping animals, then that's not a good idea...). Do you really enjoy doing x or y, then do it, but if you don't then just let it be.
Be kind to yourself! And enjoy your life!

Whenver I read these advice, my first thought is "this guy has a decent living and he didn't experienced any hard problem in his life". If that's the case, I'm happy that you have a great life. Don't get me wrong, but even if it a sound advice, it fails to consider the situation as a whole.
IIRC from your journal, you have a kid right? Well, I guess you cannot ditch him and your wife to pursue a dream. Also, if you were stuck in a very bad situation, ie if you had a terrible wife, an unwanted kid, a job that feels like a prison, it would be very hard, close to impossible to escape. If someone would tell you to pursue your dreams, you would feel not understood because you know, that your situation prevents you to even think about that.
I have and I had major hardships in my life, and like me, there are a lot of other people with a really difficult lives, so I'm not the victim here. I'm not the most unlucky guy in the world, but my life, isn't easy.

Fuck idiots like Petterson

What do you hate about him?

Be kind to yourself! And enjoy your life!

This is very true, regardless of the situation, I don't enjoy life and I'm too hard on myself. I know my tendencies are wrong, but they are really hard to fix.

Ty again for your comment and gl with your life mate

June 12, 2021 | 7:58 a.m.

Comment | HeavyMask commented on Mobius Poker Blog

Best of luck

June 11, 2021 | 9:43 p.m.

Ty for your time Gaz <3
My life is a mess and even if I try to make it better I'm always stuck, the constant feeling of not moving is atrocious. Regarding my pain, it makes me "hate" everyone, because I envy their health :(. I'm a good guy and I don't like this of me, but I guess, after years of pain is inevitable.
We'll talk when I reinstall Discord mate, I wish you the best

June 11, 2021 | 6:40 p.m.

A Rough Patch

It's been about two weeks now that my back pain returned as strong as ever, along with my stomach pain, agony replaced mildly discomfort. I've begun to isolate myself from the world because when you are suffering you can only see your condition.
Later in the month, I will see another (umpteenth) doctor, looking for some relief. If in 6 years I haven't found the source of my disease, it's pretty unlikely that I will discover it now, but let's hope for the best.

My suffering made me thinking about life in general like someone is close to death that question himself about his journey. I'm not dying, but the moments like this make me think deeply.
The feeling which prevails right now is loneliness, I'm alone in my struggles against my pain and against life. Nobody seems to care, or to put in another,a more realistic way, nobody seems to understand how difficult my life is. Having chronic pain that hinders everything is a huge thing and only those who experienced that can relate to me. To be honest, I'm quite happy about this, for them, because they live an easier life and I'm glad to know that lives aren't shitty as mine.

End of rant
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Asking for help is good, expecting to be helped leads only to disappointment

In general, people want to help, but I have to remember they are the protagonist of their own life while all the other are pure background actors.
I've tried to go on my own for pretty much my entire life without asking for anything, then become sick of it, so I've tried to open myself up, asking for help but it didn't help. Not because people didn't want to, but because I've expected too much. They don't owe me anything and I'm not angry at them, it's only my fault.
It's funny though because I've always tried to help everyone out, while forgot about helping myself. Maybe I should become a little more selfish, in a healthy way obv, taking 100% responsibility for my own life. I should take care of my shit expecting no help from the others.
I will continue to reach out for help, but I will try to only count on myself. Every moment that other people will give to me will be a gift, not something owed.
-

About poker

I feel lost.
Instead of seeing a paved road ahead, I only see myself in a middle of a desert with no postsigns. This is more a perception than my true actual condition, but I feel that way. My health problems influenced this obv, but also played for years and still be at the same stake, while time is passing and my health issues get worse played a giant role. It's hard to see a bright future.
It's since December that I'm working really hard and I didn't see any meaningful result, this didn't help much either.

It's not running under EV that kills me, it's playing a game where nobody should have anything most of the time while I getting coolered over and over again.
What my life is lacking, is momentum. I'm stuck in the same place every day and even if I fight really hard to get out of this hole, something is keeping dragging me down. Everyone needs to see positive changes otherwise there isn't any feedback loop that pushes you forward.
Right now my motivation plummeted and I don't see myself put 40+ per week like I used to. It's depressing.
My mental game isn't that strong, but I don't blame myself for it. I'm responsible for it, at the same time I have to be gentle with myself, allowing me to understand that I'm still fighting the war while 99% of others would just have quit years ago. I should be proud of myself... but I don't.
I will try my best to turn tables in some way.
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Canary in coal mine

Probably I should be somewhat grateful for this, I mean, it's a clear sign that what I'm doing isn't working, so I need to change something. To be honest, I've always try many many different things in life without any success. It's like being on a endless quest, looking for something that works and when I seem to have found it, something sweep my feet and I have to start anew from square one.
-

Is poker a lonely profession?

I don't have come up with an answer yet, but I'm leaning toward the positive answer. Or maybe I'm just doing something wrong, which is likely.
Since last September, I've tried some initiatives looking to build a sense of "being united for a common goal". Psychology is pretty clear about it, who think bigger than themselves are happier in general. So I've tried to reproduce that in this field. I haven't tried too hard but I've certainly done.
None of my ideas were welcomed.
Instead of being sad, I'm quite happy because it gives me proper feedback. It's very likely that my intentions weren't good as I thought. That's great because it shows me that I'm focusing on things that maybe, don't matter that much. Knowing that, I can make some changes and hopefully find what matters. I've always thought I was focusing on the 20% instead of the 80% of the Pareto Principle.
I'm really thankful to the community who indirectly showed me the wrong road.

This thought is linked to one of the previous, expectations. I was sure that I would have engaged many players, but I was wrong. I don't take their disinterest personally.
If I want to build a leaderboard for example I can do it with one single, most important player, me. I can compare the person I am right now to the one who was the last month and the the next months to come.
I tend to compare myself to others, while I know that it's like comparing oranges to apples, my brain still do it. That's why I don't have any socials, because I compare my life to the others. I know users cherrypick photos but my mind cannot help herself to avoid that trap.

June 10, 2021 | 4:05 p.m.

June 8, 2021 | 5:36 p.m.

Welcome back BDP

June 4, 2021 | 10:04 p.m.

I've just seen your cash graph with the not-so-good looking swing, what stakes did you played at the time?

June 1, 2021 | 10:53 a.m.

You are a crusher sir

June 1, 2021 | 7:40 a.m.

Have you returned from the dead lIlCitanul , I love to have you around :)

You are right about comparing to others, in fact I don't have any social media at all because, I tent to compare they wonderful lives with my shitty one. Obv they are cherry-picking photos, but even if my brain knows that, it isn't immune.

May 31, 2021 | 12:39 p.m.

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