Beacon in the Night
All my entries had a negative aura, the feeling of hopelessness was very clear along with many other unpleasant emotions. Today, I can say my outlook on life improved, I don’t want to say “a lot” in order to not jinx myself, let’s just say I’m still in a dark night but far away I can see a glimpse of light, it isn’t dimmed, but bright.
I continue to work with my therapist and plan to do it till my issues got resolved. He changed the lives of many people and I’m convinced he will save me. He gently made me aware that I was depressed for years, while I thought I was just in a bad period. I was hit by a brick on my head and my mind went blank for 2 days, then I woke up and decided to fight, once again, with every weapon I have, tackling this issue from any angle.
From my childhood I, was accustomed to counting only on myself, but this isn’t good since I’ve turned down every help from outside. My ego was a big one and I was sure I was the only one who knew better. It turned out I was dead wrong, rightfully so, and I began to listen to other people willing to help.
It is astonishing to acknowledge how many people want to help out, both strangers on the internet and friends. I’ve always thought the world was against me, but the reality could be very different from my fantasy.
I’m not happy with my results so far this year, let alone my volume, but instead of being the worst judge of myself, I want to see my last month’s improvements which are many. My game literally changed overnight, my routines began to stick, and my work ethic skyrocketed.
I’ve found a player (and a friend) in a poker world who spent hours every day with me, for free. I’m not sure why he took care of me, maybe he wanted to save a poor soul, or he is simply just a decent guy. Working with him very closely helped in a way that I haven’t realized since a few days ago. I found someone willing to fight my battle beside me, something I haven’t experienced that often throughout my life. I’m sure all the changes I’m doing right now are because of him, he even pushed me to resume therapy, which was the best decision of the year.
I’m moving forward, I can feel it and I think I’m on the brink of a game-changing transformation.
June 4, 2022 | 12:59 p.m.
You already know this, but you're not supposed to be right most of the time, not when bluff catching at least. If someone bets 50% of the pot they only need to be bluffing 33% of the time, if someone bets 66% of the pot they only need to bluffing 40% of the time, and if they bet 75% of the pot they only need to be bluffing 42% of the time.
You got me, I've explained myself wrong and obv you are right
I will say taking this step opens up a few doors people will start to share with you personally how they handle situations like yours
Yeah ofc, there are some guys that DM me in order to help me with the disease. These gestures for me are remarkable because you pretty much nailed, I've exposes my weakness and people sympathize with me
April 15, 2022 | 11:25 p.m.
Ty Austin :)
Well, I'm not looking for the perfect play but for a model that is right most of the times, but the main point is that, I've paid for something I don't fully use. Imagine buying a car and use only 3 days a year, doesn't sound that smart.
Regarding the other things, it's very clear that I got serious mental leaks. Tbh I cannot wrap my head around the fact people are so confident in poker, even if most of players, just lose as you said. It seems I'm the only one who got doubts and this driving insane because I feel dumb
April 15, 2022 | 8:01 a.m.
There are no better words to describe my skillset at poker. While it’s hurting me at the same time, I realize that I have a huge room for improvement and I should be grateful for that. Instead of feeling hopeless and blaming bad luck for my abysmal results, I should point the finger toward myself.
Right now I’m running close to 80 Bis under expected and yet, I don’t feel unlucky at all, quite the contrary, I’ve luckboxed for years and I don’t know how I can still be in the game with basically 0 skills. I’ve entered a CFP one year ago, I paid for the content that I didn’t use, or at least, I don’t deploy the strategy I should have learned.
Only a lazy ass could squander this opportunity
Well, I’m 1 year late now, but I fully commit to change as a player. No more BS, I have to focus on the things that matter.
We have addressed 2 main problems in my games, ie not calling enough on the river and folding too much on the flop. I fear monsters under my bed, constantly, so I just fold and fold because this is the safest option. In my flawed mind, it’s better to lose the pot 100% of the time, instead of risking calling a bet and losing much more. Yes, for some reason I think calling will just burn money, every single time. This isn’t how poker is played and I am ashamed to admit this serious lack of fundamentals.
What I will do? Well, actually I’ve already developed a cheatsheet in order to call more OTR. There will be no judgment, no second-guessing, no BS, even though fear will be always present, I think my method will lift some of the burdens from my shoulders. If I follow the protocols, at the end of the session, I won’t be upset with myself because I folded/called and lost, instead, I should be proud of myself because I’ve followed my rules. Instead of relying on my experience, I should rely on data models.
Regarding folding too much OTF, there’s nothing I can do besides put in the working and practice, practice and practice. Once I’m sure I bluffcatch correctly I will study flops with GTOw, but let’s not do too many things at one time.
I’m very good at organizing but I’m the worst when I have to perform. So I will just focus on one thing, one thing only, and go from there
April 13, 2022 | 7:15 p.m.
1) Totally off of social media. I actually really like it because of the memes, but I am spending way too much time on it imo and not really getting much out of it either/ I think its kinda toxic how its set up in a way
Best thing you could do mate. I wasn't into socials but I've found myself many times just scrolling IG or other s*it just for boredom. We can use better our time :)
Gl in April
March 28, 2022 | 9:21 p.m.
GocceGocce who's you coach, if you don't mind obv?
I personally think crossfit is outstanding for poker players since it is an workout social activity, when you interact and (friendly) compete with other people. It is awesome when all we do is just stare at the screen of our PCs talking to person we don't even know their faces.
I do crossfit 5 times a week and I find it complementary to our work balance
March 24, 2022 | 9:04 p.m.
#2 – Comparing two minds at different times of my life
When I was in high school, I was a very good skateboarder, who started pretty much with no talent but with hard work achieved great things. At the peak of my career, I got 2 sponsors and my technical level was outstanding, it’s very unfortunate that at the time, good smartphones weren’t available so I don’t have any footage of that, but I recall exactly how good I felt.
I was a completely different guy, the best version of me is now very distant. When I look in the mirror I cannot even recognize that person I’m staring at. I’m not sure what has changed, I still have the same problems as before, but now everything looks so ugly, severe, and permanent. I spent much of my day worrying about everything, it doesn’t matter what it is, I just worry about everything that could happen. Let’s take a look how what was occupy my mind and how it is right now.
I was so obsessed with skateboarding, pretty much breathing it every single moment of the day unless I was studying. I woke up thinking about it, I went to the school and imagine myself flipping every stair. Then, I come home, have a very quick lunch, and 40 minutes later, I was already out for my 6-hour non-stop practice.
It was me and my skate, nothing else mattered.
I had solid habits that I haven’t questioned once. The idea of skipping a skate day wasn’t an available option. Results follow through obviously.
Then everything changed, I quit skating due to university, which I failed pretty hard because I wasn’t interested in. I was pretty poor throughout my life while existence and when poker entered my life it let me savor many things I haven’t in the past. I don’t blame poker for my failings, I blame myself to not fully exploiting its potential. I think getting adult exposed all my unaddressed weaknesses which I had In the past, but I was too focused on skateboarding to see them. This is a topic not for a poker forum but my therapist :D
All I know is that, right now, my mind is full of shit and what matters (poker) is just a small slice of the cake.
I don’t think a quick-fix is available, since my behavior is rooted deep down inside of me, I guess therapy will do wonders. What I can do to put a patch on it is to devise my environment to minimize worries and distractions, waiting for the lifetime-fix.
Minimize cellphone time
I’m pretty lucky that I can power off my phone without consequences. I don’t work with it, friends and GF knows how to find me, so there’s really no reason to have it by hand. In the past, I’ve powered it off for 3 weeks straight and it was liberating. The sense of freedom was so empowering, but most importantly, I regained focus on myself, no more BS from telegram groups, friends, or junk stuff.
Ideally, I’d like to obliterate my phone, it was so good when all we had were SMS, but practically it won’t last. I’ll have to use it and be available sometimes, so I have to minimize its influence. Right now I have a working routine that will be tweaked in the near future:
- When I return home I leave the phone in the car
- I use Whatsapp web with my GF for 30ish minutes and then the phone power off itself by 9.40 PM (so if I want to communicate I have to take my phone back, a thing that I don't do)
- I will touch again my phone when I leave home again, the next day, to go to the library in the early afternoon
Now, this routine is far from perfect, and sometimes I don’t stick to it, but when I do, my day is completely different. If I don’t have the phone by hand, I cannot check messages, socials, or see the last news. I've encountered two problems that won’t let the routine stick. The first one is when I have to break my routine because I have to speak with someone and the other one is when I regain control of my phone I binge on it. As I’m writing this I think I’ve found a way to avoid the former, if I have to communicate I can deactivate the auto shutdown in the evening, it will allow me to still use the WhatsApp web interface.
I don’t have a quick solution for the latter, I’ve tried to install FocusMe on it (more on this later) but it is too cumbersome and it is definitely not viable. I think I have to try different things and see what works. From tomorrow I won’t power the phone off till 5,30 PM. This should prevent me to waste time on it in the early afternoon when all I have to do is study poker. I don’t text anyone in the afternoon, so there’s no reason to use it.
This is a software that basically blocks what I want, and I've blocked Chrome and browsers in general, the only thing I can do is to play/study poker. If I want to disable it, I have to digit a 200 random character string, which is pretty time-consuming, so this is doing his work, acting as a deterrent.
I have to install it on my second pc and my laptop, but for now, on my main pc is great, so great that I've snap purchased it
March 24, 2022 | 8:51 p.m.
Ty for your warm comment, I really appreciate that.
I don't think money is the main thing here, but the lack of movement. It's like being stuck while time is passing... everyone is advancing but you.
Even if money isn't the main thing, it is crucial... there were times that I haven't even able to cure myself because I lack of money.
I'll try my best to change the course of my life.
Ty for your time mate, I wish you the best :)
March 24, 2022 | 7:42 p.m.
Hey mate... I swear to god that a few days ago I've looked you up on 2p2, looking for updates, but you haven't posted any. I thought that maybe you had something in real life, I hope you are ok and you are doing great.
Can't wait to see you aboard, you already know who I am there :)
Best of luck mate
March 24, 2022 | 7:38 p.m.
Who I am
I'm a long-time micro-stakes player that never moved up and have amassed 4M hands fighting for peanuts and suffering a ton in the process.
(graph not updated for the last year and current year)
6 years ago I got ill, an undiagnosed disease that I'm still fighting today, unfortunately, as I was looking for a cure, I haven't noticed the time was passing by, and probably, I've realized it only one year ago when I decided to take action.
Fast forward to now, I haven't progressed much in poker and most importantly in life.
2021 was another disaster, for some strange reason I thought it to be my year while in reality, it was a copy of the years before with the same result: being stuck at the same point. Flipping burgers at Mcdonald's would yield more money with less stress, to be fair, even cleaning toilets part-time would let me accrue more.
This new year hasn't started better, I continue to behave as I always used to and I should expect the same results.
I take 101% responsibility for this, I cannot blame anyone but myself, at the same time, I don't want to judge myself too harshly since I'm fighting an uphill battle. Every day I am in pain, sometimes it is so strong that I cannot even focus properly. I still wake up every morning with the willingness to move forward, to get unstuck, and to live a fulfilling life (pain-free).
After more than one year I can see why my previous journal was a total failure for me. At that time it wasn't clear, I thought I wanted to document my climb through the ranks, but it wasn't the case. I was waiting for people to save me, to do the work for me, to understand my pain and to sympathize with me. This was doomed from the beginning, I'm the only one who is responsible to carry the burden of his own life and I'm the only one who has to move his ass off in order to get better. I can get a hand for sure, but I have to do the 99% of the rest and rightfully so.
Well, I wasn't fair, I've got one thing from the previous blog, and it was the sense of being visible to others, to exist in the world. When I kept my blog private, no one didn't know I even existed, but once I published I've got a sense as the invisibility curse got lifted. It hasn't changed my life and surely people don't care about me, but it was better, that's the reason why I resume blogging.
Although I get up every day with a knife between my teeth, I've realized my current condition has to change for good, because if it doesn't, one day I will lose the desire to fight. After so many years of struggling, I'm proud of myself since I haven't given up, but I haven't received any positive feedback for my battles, I've just paid a huge toll.
In the first posts, I will elaborate on what went really wrong in the last year and in my life in general, looking to avoid the same errors in the future, a thing that I haven't done once in my life.
When I wrote in the previous journal, I was eager to see someone posting in it. It was something like: "Here's my problem, solve it for me" this is nothing but madness. I'm the only one responsible for saving myself from the pit I'm into, although any comment from other players would be a total gift.
I will change the tone of the content too. Even though I've opened myself to showing my weakness, many times I've just refrained from posting because I feared someone could attack me. But let's be honest, I'm a fish both at poker at life, the point I'm in right now reflects exactly who I am and where I stand on the social ladder. A lot of my thoughts are just dead wrong and I don't have to hide them, if I was right I wouldn't be in this spot.
March 15, 2022 | 9:52 p.m.
Cmonnnnnn LFG Dan, best of luck my friend
Feb. 25, 2022 | 4:41 p.m.
How can I adjust the preflop ranges vs different player types? I'm not looking for the common things like, open tighter and 4bet lighter vs an aggro 3bettor, but a more sound and theoretical approach. So if I tweak a range I'd like to know why and that should be supported by mathematics. The problem is that I got no idea where to look and what to look for.
Let's take an extreme example, we are OTB and we want to open vs a big whale in the BB. Postflop he donks 3 streets atc, how can I find my optimal range and my max exploitative range?